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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Art is considered an essential part of all cultures throughout the world. However, these days, fewer and fewer people appreciate art and turn their focus to science, technology, and business. Why do you think that is? What could be done to encourage more people to take an interest in the artists?

6.5 / 9
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Introduction
Art
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 is important to cultures around the world, whether through music, painting or other creative forms. Yet nowadays, more and more
people
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 show little interest in
art
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 or talk about it, as they are starting to shift their attention to science and careers in business.
This
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 essay will explain why
people
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 have made
this
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 shift and suggest teaching
children
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 about
art
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 from a young age so that they learn to appreciate it.
Body paragraph 1
One reason why
people
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 are losing interest in
art
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 is that they are focusing on self-education, whether about the environment, health or investment, in order to get through a financial crisis and secure their future. Many
people
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 feel they cannot spend their
time
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 learning about
art
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 when that
time
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 could go towards something that supports them in the future.
For example
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, learning the basics of a musical instrument takes a significant amount of
time
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, and someone with a limited income cannot afford to spend that
time
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.
As a result
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, they are likely to abandon their interest in
art
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 to focus on their health or on skills that bring faster financial rewards.
Body paragraph 2
One solution is to teach
children
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 the basics of
art
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 at school, when they have more free
time
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. Some
children
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 will discover a talent for music,
while
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 those who do not enjoy it should not be forced to continue.
For example
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, a child who joins a weekly drawing class may develop a lifelong hobby that they continue as an adult.
As a result
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, the next generation will grow up valuing
art
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, even if they later choose careers in science or business.
Conclusion
In conclusion, many
people
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 today neglect
art
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 because they prioritise practical skills that help them survive financially. Introducing
art
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 to
children
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 at school, when they have
time
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 to explore it, is an effective way to ensure that future generations continue to appreciate it.

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task response
You answer both parts of the task: why people move away from art and what can help. Your main idea is clear. To make it stronger, add another reason, such as less art on TV, online, or in daily life.
task response
Your first example is not fully clear. A person with little money may not be able to pay for music lessons, but learning about art does not always cost money. Explain this link more clearly.
task response
Your school idea is useful and well linked to the question. You could add ways schools can help, such as free art clubs, visits to art shows, or talks from local artists.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear order: opening, reason, solution, and ending. Each paragraph has one main point, so it is easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use a wider range of links between ideas. You use "For example" and "As a result" well, but you can also use "because of this", "also", and "in this way".
coherence and cohesion
The first body paragraph moves from art to health quite quickly. Keep the focus on art by saying more about why people see art as less useful than science, technology, or business.
task response
You give a direct answer from the start and keep your ideas on the topic of art.
task response
The idea of teaching art to children is clear, useful, and supported by an easy-to-understand example.
coherence and cohesion
Your opening tells the reader what the essay will discuss, and your ending clearly brings the main ideas together.
coherence and cohesion
Paragraphs are well planned, with clear topic sentences and good use of examples.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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