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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The best way to motivate employees is to increase their salaries. Do you agree with this statement? Are there any other ways to encourage employees to work more efficiently? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience.

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Introduction
More and more people think that
most
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the most
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 appropriate way to improve
employee's
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employees'
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productivity
Use synonyms
 is by increasing their salaries,
while
Linking Words
other
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others
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 disagree. In my opinion, I
compeltely
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completely
 believe that rising
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worker's
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workers'
show examples
 wages is
main
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the main
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 factor for enhancing their
productivity
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 for two reasons.
Body paragraph 1
First of all, there are some people
think
Correct pronoun usage
who think
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 that the work-life balance is the best way to enhance employees' performance. In fact, a
worker
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preffers
Correct your spelling
prefers
 to spend some time with their family after a working shift.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
felxible
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flexible
 working
condition
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conditions
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 came next as another approach to improve
the
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apply
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productivity
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 by
encoraging
Correct your spelling
encouraging
 employees. A study published by Melbourne University in 2025 concluded that 65% of teachers in Melbourne do not
preffer
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prefer
 to change their school because of the healthy environment they have.
Therefore
Linking Words
, good working
condition
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conditions
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 and work-life balance are vital to motivate employees.
Body paragraph 2
In addition
Linking Words
, I firmly believe that linking extra
money
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 with achieving some goals is a very excellent method to encourage workers.
For example
Linking Words
, when an employee
finished
Wrong verb form
finishes
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 some hard tasks (
productivity
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 enhanced), they will gain extra wages.
Moreover
Linking Words
, most workers develop their performance when they feel
appriciated
Correct your spelling
appreciated
 through fair compensation.
This
Linking Words
 can be seen when a
worker
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 performs extra tasks in
overtime
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an overtime
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 shift.
As a result
Linking Words
, improved
productivity
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 can
achieved
Verb problem
be achieved
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 by connecting
appriciation
Correct your spelling
appreciation
 and finishing unique duties with extra
money
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.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
while
Linking Words
 there are many individuals
believe
Correct pronoun usage
who believe
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 that additional
money
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are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 crucial to increase
Use synonyms
worker's
Check wording
workers'
show examples
productivity
Use synonyms
,
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
 say the opposite. From my perspective, I firmly believe that linking the fair compensation method and achieving difficult tasks with extra
money
Use synonyms
 are the two primary causes for better performance.

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task response
Answer both parts more clearly. Say if money is the best way, then explain other ways such as good hours, praise, training, and a safe place to work.
task response
Your main view is not fully clear. The first body paragraph says work-life balance and good work conditions are vital, but the next paragraph says extra money is the best method. Explain how these ideas work together.
task response
Develop each main point with a clear reason and result. For example, higher pay can help workers feel safe about money, so they may work harder and stay longer.
task response
Use examples that clearly support your point. The teacher study is useful, but explain why it shows that a good work place can lead to better work.
coherence and cohesion
Use a simple plan: introduction with your view, one paragraph about pay, one paragraph about other ways, and a conclusion that repeats your view.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body paragraph with a clear main idea. The first paragraph could begin with: 'However, money is not the only way to help workers do better.'
coherence and cohesion
Make links between sentences more clear. Use words such as 'because', 'therefore', 'however', and 'for example' only when the next idea truly follows the last one.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence meaning and word form. For example, write 'the most appropriate way', 'employees’ productivity', 'other people disagree', and 'productivity can be improved'.
task response
You give a clear view that fair pay and extra money for hard work can help workers do better.
task response
You include other helpful ways to support workers, such as work-life balance and flexible work conditions.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some linking words, such as 'First of all', 'Furthermore', 'For example', and 'In conclusion'.
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