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Band 4.5

With the enhancement of technology, many individuals have been interested to dedicate their time to activities such as online games on different devices. With the fact that the joy one can feel while using these entertainment. discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Introduction
In recent years, there has been a significant amount of growth in technology sectors. The number of individuals who are using it has
also
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 increased.
This
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 is
beacuse
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because
 various online platforms provide assistance with daily work and games, which can entertain younger generations.
This
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 essay will
putforward
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put forward
 reasons for
such
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 a trend and state why
such
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 a development is not fruitful in
long
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the long
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 run.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
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 with,
latest
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the latest
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 technologies have
negative
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a negative
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 impact on teenagers. They have become addicted
with
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to
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 using
of
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apply
show examples
smartphones, computers and other electronic devices.
For example
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, these days children are seen with mobile phones, watching short films or playing video games.
This
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 could ultimately affect their education and
acaedemic
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academic
 performances.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, with rapid growth in industrial sectors, many prefer the use of artificial intelligence to cut short their time to
acheive
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achieve
 any task. A clear example of
this
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 is when an engeenier need to accomplish their assignments on a particular day, they take assistance from various
AI generated
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AI-generated
 applications.
As a result
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, they will complete their task on time
with
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apply
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without any hardships.
Moreover
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, nowadays there a videogames tornaments, through which many younger generations are
earnings
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earning
 well enough to support themselves and their families.
Conclusion
In conclusion, though both the arguments have their own merits, I believe that children and
younger
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the younger
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 population should focus mainly on their basic education and
therafter
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thereafter
 should consider using various AI platforms to progress in that particular field of study.
As excessive
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Excessive
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 usage of technology will not only hamper their growth but
also
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 affect their personal well-being.

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task response
Make your main view clear in the first part. The task asks you to discuss both views, but the two views are not clearly named. Say what is good about games and what is bad about games before you give your view.
task response
Give equal space to both sides. The first body part is about harm to young people, while the second part mixes AI, work, and game jobs. Keep the focus on online games and time spent on devices.
task response
Develop each main point more. For example, explain how too much gaming can hurt school work, sleep, and time with family. Then explain how games can help people relax, make friends, or earn money in game events.
task response
Use examples that match the topic. The engineer using AI is not a clear example of online games. Replace it with an example of a young player who plays with friends or joins a game event.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an end. Keep this shape, but make each body part focus on one idea only.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear link words to show the two sides: 'On the one hand', 'On the other hand', 'For example', and 'Therefore'. Do not use 'On the other hand' if the next part has several new ideas at once.
coherence and cohesion
Make the link between sentences smoother. For example, after saying children play games, explain the result in the next sentence: 'Because they spend many hours on games, they may have less time for study.'
coherence and cohesion
Avoid unclear words such as 'it', 'these entertainment', and 'such a trend' when the reader may not know exactly what they mean. Repeat key words like 'online games', 'technology', or 'young people' when needed.
coherence and cohesion
Check basic word forms and spelling because they can make your ideas harder to follow. For example: 'because', 'academic performance', 'engineer', 'tournaments', 'earn', 'there are', and 'afterwards'.
task response
You give a clear personal view in the end: young people should put basic education first and should not use technology too much.
task response
You include useful points about harm from too much device use and possible money from game events.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, body parts, and a conclusion, so the reader can follow the general plan.
coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful signpost words, such as 'To begin with', 'For example', 'Moreover', and 'In conclusion'.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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