some people move to other countries when they retire, other thinks it is better to retire in their home countries. Discuss both the views and give your own openion.

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Introduction
Nowadays, more and more retired
people
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believe that immigration can add value to their lives,
while
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others argue that
this
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step is not necessary
,
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. This
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this
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essay contains several reasons about both views,
whereas
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i
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I
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believe that living abroad is prohibited.
Body paragraph 1
In
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On
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one hand, immigration is a serious subject after retirement, because it
help
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helps
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old
people
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to meet new
people
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and
change
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the atmosphere.
For example
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:
The
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the
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authority of immigration in canada post statistics about the real number of immigrants and declared that more than thirty
percent
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per cent
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are over
sixty five
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sixty-five
years old and they come
throughout
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through
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tourist
visa
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visas
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.
Furthermore
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, the relevant positive feedback
amoung
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among
ex-workers encourage hestate
people
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to take the step to
change
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the country
, for
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. For
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more
comprehention
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comprehension
, there are more than three million migrants
live
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living
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now in canada and they are the
owner
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owners
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of
the
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apply
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most of edwarden streets.
As a result
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, co-workers help each other even after
farewall
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farewell
.
Body paragraph 2
In
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On
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the other hand, old
people
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are afraid from seakness and
lonlyness
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isolation
, they believe that after
retierement
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retirement
there is no need for new
establishement planing
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establishment planning
and taking more negative steps.
For instance
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, in poor countries more than sixty percent of citizens are able to
change
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their situation after economy negative effects, but they are wanting to wait for the government solution rather than
change
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the country,
Furthermore
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, socialized ex-workers finds routine worth more than numerious therapy sessions, they meet and have discussions about sports and politics, sometimes they travel together and spend time testing new activites as tasting new cousines but amoung cities of their country.
As a result
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, spending time with old friends is essantial esspecially if
there
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their
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friendship
from
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spans
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years.
Conclusion
In conclusion, what
this
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essay
discuss
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discusses
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throughout
few
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a few
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points is
there
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that there
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is no limitation
concerne
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concerning
the age, friend zones
or
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, or
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even
take
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taking
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the adventure or not
, all
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. All
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over the
world
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world,
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retired
people
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divided
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are divided
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to
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into
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two groups, travling abroud after retirement
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as
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, as
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well as staying at home.

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task response
Give your own view in a clear way. You say that living abroad is “prohibited”, but this word does not fit here and your view is not explained. Say if you think people should stay or move, and give two clear reasons.
task response
Discuss both sides in a more balanced way. Explain why some old people move, such as warm weather, a lower cost of life, or time for new things. Then explain why others stay, such as family, health care, friends, and language.
task response
Use examples that clearly support your point. The Canada example has many details, but it is hard to see how it proves that moving after work is good. Keep examples short and make the link to your main idea clear.
coherence and cohesion
Use a simple four-part plan: introduction, reasons to move, reasons to stay, and conclusion. Your essay has these parts, but some ideas in each part do not connect well.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body part with one clear main idea. For example: “One reason why some people move abroad is that they want a new way of life.” Then explain this idea before giving an example.
coherence and cohesion
Make the links between sentences clearer. Use simple words such as “also”, “because”, “however”, “for example”, and “therefore”. Do not put too many different ideas in one long sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Check word choice and spelling, as these sometimes make your meaning hard to follow. For example, use “On the one hand”, “On the other hand”, “retirement”, “loneliness”, and “abroad”.
task response
You discuss both views: moving to another country and staying in the home country.
task response
You try to use examples and reasons, including new people, old friends, and daily life.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two main parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some linking words, such as “For example”, “Furthermore”, and “As a result”.
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