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Band 5

Films and computer games are not the only forms of media that may influence young people. Social media is also widely used by teenagers. Some people believe that social media has a negative effect on young people's behaviour and should be restricted. Others believe that it helps teenagers stay connected with others and relax. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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Introduction
There is an ongoing debate about whether social
media
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 use should be restricted for young
people
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.
This
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 essay will discuss both views and explain my opinion.
Body paragraph 1
Some
people
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 believe that social
media
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 should be limited because it has a negative influence on
children
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's behaviour. First of all, young
people
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 tend to imitate the behaviour of others around them without realising it because they have not developed a strong sense of identity. Nowadays, social
media
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 has
beomce
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become
 an essential part of young
people
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's lives, which increases the risk of
begin
Wrong verb form
being
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 exposed to inappropriate content.
Thus
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, when young
people
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 are frequently exposed to
such
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 content,
such
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 as violent videos, they may unconsciously imitate aggressive
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
.
As a result
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, young
people
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 may not only get into arguments with others but
also
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 threaten social harmony.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, some
people
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augue
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argue
 that social
media
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 should not be restricted because it can bring some benefits to young
people
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. Many
children
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 need to leave their hometowns to study in big cities or even
countries
Correct determiner usage
other countries
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, so they use social
media
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 to keep in touch with their families and friends.
Therefore
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, social
media
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 helps
children
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 feel less lonely and saves a lot of time and money. On top of that, social
media
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 is widely used by young
people
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 to share their daily lives and express their thoughts, which allows them to relieve stress.
As a result
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, social
media
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 can help them take a break from their studies and relax before returning to their schoolwork.
Conclusion
To sum up
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,
although
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 social
media
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 may encourage teenagers to copy inappropriate language and expressions, it can still help them connect with others and relieve
stess
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stress
. From my perspective, social
media
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 should not be completely restricted.
Instead
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, parents should limit their
children
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's exposure to inappropriate content
becuase
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because
 teenagers are more vulnerable to its
nagative
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negative
 effects.

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task response
You discuss both sides and give your own view. Make your own view a little stronger in the last part. For example, say who should set the limits, what limits they should set, and why this is better than a full ban.
task response
Your main ideas are clear: bad videos may lead to bad acts, while social media can help young people stay in touch and feel less stress. Add one real or clear example for each side to make the ideas more full.
task response
Be careful with wide claims such as social media causing harm to all young people. Say that it may affect some young people, mainly when there is no adult help or when use is too long.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear four-part shape: opening, one paragraph for each view, and an ending. Keep this shape in future essays.
coherence and cohesion
Most links between ideas are easy to follow. Try not to use 'As a result' too many times. You can also use 'For this reason', 'This means that', or no link word when the link is already clear.
coherence and cohesion
Some word errors make the flow less smooth. Check words such as 'become', 'being', 'argue', 'stress', 'because', and 'negative'. Also use the same spelling style: 'behaviour' and 'behaviour' or 'behavior' and 'behavior'.
coherence and cohesion
In the second main paragraph, 'big cities or even countries' is not clear. Say 'big cities or other countries' so the idea is easier to understand.
task response
You answer all parts of the question: you explain the bad side, the good side, and your own view.
task response
Your ideas stay close to the topic and are easy to understand.
coherence and cohesion
Each body paragraph has one main point and then gives reasons and results.
coherence and cohesion
The opening clearly tells the reader what the essay will do, and the ending gives a clear final view.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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