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Writing Samples
Band 3

Governments should ban dangerous sports. Others think that people should have the freedom to do any sport activity. Discuss both side and give your opinion

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Introduction
It has been observed that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 there are many
kind
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kinds
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 of
Use synonyms
sport
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sports
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, some
Use synonyms
sport
Check wording
sports
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 are dangerous,
while
Linking Words
another
Fix the agreement mistake
others
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 are not
,
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.
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 I firmly agree
for let
Correct word choice
that
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 the public
choose
Verb problem
should be allowed to choose
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 any
sport
Use synonyms
 they want
, in
Punctuation problem
. In
show examples
this
Linking Words
 assay I will discuss
the
Correct article usage
apply
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both
side
Check wording
sides
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 and give my opinion.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, there are
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
different society
common
Add a semicolon
;
show examples
sport
Use synonyms
, some
Use synonyms
sport
Check wording
sports
show examples
 are dangerous
but
Punctuation problem
, but
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 the players enjoy
Linking Words
this kind
Fix the agreement mistake
these kinds
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 of
Use synonyms
sport
Check wording
sports
show examples
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, there
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 rules in every
sport
Use synonyms
even
Punctuation problem
, even
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 the dangerous
.
Correct pronoun usage
ones.
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For
Eample
Correct your spelling
example
, in
Japan
Add a comma
Japan,
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 the most famous
sport
Use synonyms
 is karate,
while
Linking Words
 there
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 many rules if you
begain
Correct your spelling
begin
 the game.
However
Linking Words
, freedom is so important in hobbies, because many people escape from everything to
there
Use the right word
their
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 hobby.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, there are some bad
effect
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effects
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 in dangerous
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sport
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sports
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,
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;
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 most
of
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apply
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dangerous
Use synonyms
sport
Check wording
sports
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 have a bad issue for health.
For example
Linking Words
, boxing always
the
Verb problem
requires
show examples
 players
after the match they go to the hospital
Correct word order
to go to the hospital after the match
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.
Moreover
Linking Words
, kids and teenagers always watch dangerous
Use synonyms
sport
Check wording
sports
show examples
,
then
Linking Words
 they try to do like them in
there
Use the right word
their
show examples
 real life
like
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, like
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house
Change preposition
at home
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 and
school
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at school
show examples
.
However
Linking Words
, we should protect children and teenagers from
this
Linking Words
 kind of
sport
Use synonyms
.
Conclusion
To conclude
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, there are some disadvantages, but the advantages are more significant. If we start
make
Wrong verb form
making
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 strict rules and try
balance
Verb problem
to balance
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 between dangerous and normal sports, I believe we will
sports
Verb problem
have sports
show examples
 freedom for all
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
sports.

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task response
You discuss both views and give your own view. However, make each side clearer. Explain why a ban may help people, and why freedom may be more important. Your own view should be stated more strongly in the last part.
task response
Some ideas need more detail. For example, explain what kind of harm boxing can cause, and why rules may make a dangerous sport safer. This will make your points more complete.
task response
Use examples that clearly support your point. The karate example is useful, but explain how its rules keep players safe. The example about children needs a clearer link to dangerous sports.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending. Keep this plan, but make the first body part clearly about freedom and the second clearly about a ban.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully. Words such as “However” should show a clear opposite idea. In a few places, the next sentence does not clearly oppose the one before it.
coherence and cohesion
Make your main idea at the start of each body part clear. For example: “People should be free to choose dangerous sports” and “A ban can protect health and children.” Then explain each idea step by step.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating “there are” and “some sport” many times. Use clear names for the ideas, such as “dangerous sports”, “players”, “health risks”, and “safety rules”.
task response
You answer all parts of the question: you discuss both sides and give your own opinion.
task response
You use relevant examples, including karate, boxing, and the effect on children.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because it has an introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some useful linking words, such as “On the one hand”, “On the other hand”, “Moreover”, and “To conclude”.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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