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Writing Samples
Band 4

Today more and more tourists are visiting places where conditions are difficult, such as the Sahara Desert or the Antarcric. What are the benefits and disadvantages for tourits who visit such places?

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Introduction
Nowadays, many
people
Use synonyms
 are interested in exploring
places
Use synonyms
 with challenging conditions like weather and temperature.
Although
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 trend ensures
exicting
Correct your spelling
exciting
 and challenging tours with instant dopamine, it can be dangerous for
people
Use synonyms
 with health issues, who don't have the stomach for it.
Body paragraph 1
Tourists travel to these
places
Use synonyms
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 to challenge themselves with uncomfortable situations and provide a sense of adventure.
This
Linking Words
 provides them with a quick dopamine hit and a sense of
acheivement
Correct your spelling
achievement
.
Additionaly
Correct your spelling
Additionally
, they
also
Linking Words
 get to explore and experience
unique
Add an article
the unique
show examples
 natural beauty of these
places
Use synonyms
offering
Punctuation problem
, offering
show examples
 stunning
lanscapes
Correct your spelling
landscapes
 and rare wildlife. Travelling to remote
places
Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
 supports local economies and conservation efforts.
For example
Linking Words
, visiting the local safari in Hamilton gave me a whole new
perpective
Correct your spelling
perspective
 and understanding of wildlife,
also
Linking Words
 the money that
spent
Correct pronoun usage
I spent
show examples
 on tickets and tour would help support raising the animals in the zoo.
Body paragraph 2
Although
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,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 these trips can be an
eye opening
Correct your spelling
eye-opening
 experience for many, it is an expensive hobby to entertain. Many
people
Use synonyms
 don't
realize
Change the spelling
realise
show examples
 that before getting into it and end up in
financially
Add an article
a financially
show examples
 stressful situation. Apart from that, tourists usually don't get themselves medically checked to
deduce that
Verb problem
determine
show examples
 if they can handle
such
Linking Words
 harsh climate conditions and temperature changes.
This
Linking Words
 might result in making themselves physically unwell and
to get hospitalized
Wrong verb form
being hospitalised
show examples
 in a foreign country with no medical records.
Conclusion
In conclusion, exploring challenging
places
Use synonyms
 like the Sahara
desert
Capitalize the proper name
Desert
show examples
 or the Antartica can be very exciting and adventurous, provided
people
Use synonyms
 are aware of their financial flexibility,fitness level and medical conditions.

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task response
Answer both parts in a more even way. Give clear benefits for tourists, then clear disadvantages for tourists. Your main ideas are good, but explain each one a little more.
task response
Use examples that fit hard travel places such as deserts or polar areas. The zoo and safari example is less close to the topic, so it does not strongly support your point.
task response
Be more exact about the good points. For example, tourists can learn about rare land, animals, and local life, and can feel proud after a hard trip.
task response
For the bad points, add the risk of poor planning, bad weather, and being far from help. Explain how these can affect a tourist during the trip.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending. Keep this four-part plan because it is easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Make the first line of each body part state the main idea more clearly. Then put the reasons and example after it. This will make each part easier to read.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a more natural way. Do not start a new sentence with “Although” when you mean “However”. For example: “However, these trips can also be very costly.”
coherence and cohesion
Some ideas move too fast. After saying that travel helps local people and nature work, explain exactly how money from tours can help guides, small shops, or animal care.
language accuracy
Check key spelling: “exciting”, “achievement”, “Additionally”, “landscapes”, “perspective”, “Antarctica”, “tourists”, and “fitness”.
language accuracy
Use smoother forms: “the money spent on tickets and tours” and “find out whether they can handle harsh weather and changes in temperature”.
task response
You give both positive and negative sides, and your ending gives a clear overall view.
task response
Your points about adventure, nature, cost, and health are relevant to the question.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is well planned with an introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as “For example”, “Apart from that”, and “In conclusion” help the reader follow your ideas.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • tourists
  • places
  • conditions
  • difficult
  • Sahara Desert
  • Antarctica
  • advantages
  • disadvantages
  • unique
  • natural
  • beauty
  • experience
  • challenge
  • adventure
  • explore
  • wildlife
  • support
  • conservation
  • local
  • economies
  • funding
  • parks
  • understanding
  • climate change
  • impact
  • melting ice
  • hand
  • firsthand
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