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Band 4.5

Some people think the best way to stay fit is by joining a gym, while others think doing everyday activities such as walking is sufficient. Discuss both views and give your opinion .

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Introduction
Many
people
Use synonyms
 think that to stay active in their
life
Punctuation problem
life,
show examples
 the best way is to join a
gym
Use synonyms
, as it will help in reducing fat more efficiently,
whereas
Linking Words
 others believe that walking is sufficient for maintaining good
health
Use synonyms
. I believe both views will
have
Verb problem
be
show examples
 correct in their place. I will be discussing
this
Linking Words
 in the following paragraphs.
Body paragraph 1
To commence with,
people
Use synonyms
 who think joining a
gym
Use synonyms
 will help in reducing fat and gaining muscle mass.
Also
Linking Words
, it will play a crucial role in fat reduction with a good amount of weight of strenght training.
People
Use synonyms
 feel more active and fit . In
this
Linking Words
 way, they can burn extra fat
along with
Linking Words
 a proper diet.
For instance
Linking Words
, in Japan, 1000
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 enrol in a
gym
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 membership to attain good
health
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 and looks.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 will motivate them to stay more active and healthy at the same time.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
 , walking is
also
Linking Words
 a good activity in promoting
health
Use synonyms
.
Along with
Linking Words
 that , everyday household work usually burns fat as
people
Use synonyms
 used to burn it in the
gym
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. These daily activities
also
Linking Words
 play a significant role in a healthy heart
Punctuation problem
, or
show examples
or reduce the
Wrong verb form
reducing
show examples
 extra fat , and they look more active and happier. To epitomise, women working in household chores have leaner and
more
Add an article
a more
show examples
 perfect body
as
Punctuation problem
, as
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 a study showed by the WHO in 1990. So, everyday activities will
also
Linking Words
 be contributing same amount of benefits as we see in the
gym
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 .
Conclusion
To recapitulate, having activity ,
either
Correct word choice
whether
show examples
 it's
gym
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 or doing some kind of activities wil help you to stay active in your daily life and to achieving a god
health
Use synonyms
. Physical movement is necessary; it DOESNOT matter how you will achieve it.

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task response
You discuss both sides and give your own view. However, your view is not fully clear. Say if you think one way is better, or if both are equal, and explain why.
task response
Give a fuller answer to the main question. Explain that a gym can help with planned exercise, strength work, and support from trainers. Explain that walking is cheap, easy, and can be done every day.
task response
Some claims are too strong. Do not say home work gives the same benefits as a gym for all people. Instead, say it can help many people stay active.
task response
Use real, clear examples. The Japan and WHO examples are not explained enough and may not be true. A simple example, such as a person walking to work each day, would be stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an end. Keep this plan, but make the main idea of each body part clearer in its first sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas more smoothly. Use words such as “First”, “Also”, “For example”, “However”, and “As a result”. Do not use too many links when they do not add meaning.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph stay on one main point. In the gym paragraph, focus on gym exercise. In the walking paragraph, focus on walking and daily movement. Do not move too quickly between fat loss, looks, heart health, and happiness.
coherence and cohesion
Improve sentence control so the meaning is easy to follow. For example, write: “I believe that both options can help people stay fit, but the best choice depends on the person.”
task response
You answer all parts of the question: you discuss gyms, walking and daily activity, and you give your own general view.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because it has an introduction, one paragraph for each view, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use useful paragraph links such as “On the other hand” and “To recapitulate”, which show the change between ideas.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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