IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some believe that in many nations, it is necessary to spend a lot of money to build new railway infrastructure for fast trains between cities. Others feel that the government should spend money to improve existing public transportation. Discuss both of these perspectives and give your opinion.

4.5 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
In
Linking Words
this
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 21st century, many
believes
Correct subject-verb agreement
believe
show examples
 that officials should invest more in building new railway infrastructure,
while
Linking Words
 others think that other modes of transportation should
also
Linking Words
 be improved. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will discuss both
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
viewpoints and will provide a well-reasoned conclusion in the upcoming paragraphs.
Body paragraph 1
To commence with, people are more inclined towards railways because they are comparatively fastest among others. Individual can reach their workplaces
at adequate
Change preposition
on
show examples
 time and
then
Linking Words
 come back home, because of which they can spend more time with their loved ones.
Moreover
Linking Words
, it
also
Linking Words
 contributes
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 less traffic on roads.
For instance
Linking Words
, trains
takes
Correct subject-verb agreement
take
show examples
 hundreds of people with them, which will ultimately
leads
Wrong verb form
lead
show examples
 to
lesser
Correct determiner usage
fewer
show examples
 traffic problems.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, it is the best way to go from one city to another with as
less
Correct determiner usage
little
show examples
 time as possible.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, there are other existing
transportations
Correct your spelling
transportation modes
 that should not be overlooked. As
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 there are many small villages and regions where railways
could not
Wrong verb form
cannot
show examples
 be reached,
so
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
in
that case
Fix the agreement mistake
such cases
show examples
, roads are the best
ways
Check wording
way
show examples
 to get from one place to another.
Besides
Linking Words
 that, many metropolitan areas have introduced metros, which are now proven to be more convenient for everyone. To illustrate the fact, in
Delhi
Punctuation problem
Delhi,
show examples
 where there is
high
Add an article
a high
show examples
 density of traffic,
metro
Add an article
the metro
show examples
 is considered
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a blessing for natives.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 should spend their expenditure on getting
high qualities of
Correct word choice
high-quality
show examples
 roads and flyovers, to decrease the danger of fatal accidents.
Conclusion
To conclude
Linking Words
, I firmly believe that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 every mode of transportation is equally important and authorities should take everything into consideration, so that everyone can take maximum benefits from it.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
You discuss both views and give your own view at the end. Make your own view clearer from the start. Say if new fast trains or better current transport should get more money, and explain why.
task response
Add more detail to each main idea. For example, explain how fast trains can help people who travel far between cities, while better buses and roads can help people in small towns every day.
task response
Your point about trains saving time is good, but it needs a clearer link to the money choice. Explain why this good point is worth the high cost of building new rail lines.
task response
The Delhi metro example is useful. Give one clear fact or result, such as fewer cars on the road or shorter travel time, to make the example stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: start, one view, the other view, and end. Keep this plan, but make the first sentence of each body part state the main point more clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Some links do not fit well, such as starting a sentence with “As,”. Use simple links like “However,” “For example,” “Also,” and “Therefore,”.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating “Furthermore” many times. Use a mix of links, or join close ideas in one sentence so the writing feels smoother.
coherence and cohesion
Make the last part more direct. Instead of saying all transport is equally important, clearly say how the government should divide its money and why.
task response
You cover both sides of the question and include a clear personal view in the final part.
task response
The ideas about less road traffic, travel to small villages, and the Delhi metro are relevant to the topic.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because each body part focuses on one main view.
coherence and cohesion
The opening and closing parts are present, and the paragraphs are clearly separated.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • infrastructure
  • sustainable
  • economic growth
  • carbon emissions
  • commuters
  • productivity
  • cost-effective
  • urban congestion
  • quality of life
  • reliability
What to do next:
Look at other essays: