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Band 5

Some people think that children who spend a lot of time reading children's story books are wasting their time which could be better used doing other more useful activities. To what exent do you agree?

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Introduction
There is no denying the fact that some people believe kids are wasting their
time
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 when they spend a lot of
time
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 reading
stories
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instead
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 of doing other activities.
While
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 it is commonly held
belief
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apply
show examples
that sharing in other activities may be more beneficial, there is
also
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 an argument that opposes it. In my opinion, I consider that reading has many benefits for
children
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.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
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 with, books teach
children
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 important lessons which can help them to deal with other people.
In other words
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,
stories
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 help
children
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 understand life by presenting real-life scenarios and emotions.
In addition
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, kids learn empathy and values through the characters and situations they read about, which improves their understanding of others.
For example
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, "The Tortoise and The Hare" teaches us the lesson that everyone can achieve success when they believe in themselves.
Body paragraph 2
Another point to consider is that reading boosts
imagination
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 significantly in
children
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, helping them to develop their ideas. It is
also
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 possible to say that
stories
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 inspire creative thinking by presenting new ideas, allowing kids to explore other places and characters through images.
Moreover
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,
imagination
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 enhances problem-solving by allowing
children
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 to think outside the box.
For instance
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, Pinocchio encourages
imagination
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 by showing that whenever Pinocchio lies, his nose grows longer.
Conclusion
In conclusion, despite people having different views on whether it is beneficial for
children
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 or it wastes their
time
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. I believe that when
children
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 read
stories
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, it is a valuable use of their
time
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 and
guarantee
Correct subject-verb agreement
guarantees
show examples
imagination
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 improvement.

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task response
State your view more clearly in the first part. Say that you disagree that story books are a waste of time, but add that children should also do other things, such as play and sport.
task response
Develop each main point with a fuller link to the question. Explain how lessons, empathy, and creative thought can help children at school and in daily life.
task response
Use examples that support the exact point. The tortoise story fits the lesson point, but the Pinocchio example tells what happens in the story more than it shows how reading builds creative thought.
task response
Make the last part a full sentence. Also, avoid saying that reading will "guarantee" better imagination, as this is too strong.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: first point, second point, and a final view. Keep this plan, but make the link between each idea more direct.
coherence and cohesion
Use fewer linking words when they do not add a new step. For example, do not use both "In other words" and "In addition" unless each one has a clear job.
coherence and cohesion
Make your first sentence in each body part state one clear idea, then explain it, then give an example, and finally link it back to why reading is a good use of time.
coherence and cohesion
Improve sentence control. For example, write: "It is commonly believed that other activities may be more useful." Also, do not start the last part with "despite" unless you finish the sentence correctly.
task response
You answer the question directly and give a clear view that reading story books is useful for children.
task response
Your two main ideas are relevant: stories can teach values and can help children think in new ways.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because each body part has one main point and includes an example.
coherence and cohesion
You use clear signposts such as "To begin with", "Another point to consider", and "In conclusion" to guide the reader.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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