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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Directors and managers of organisations are often older people. Some people say that it is better for younger people to be leaders. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
The issue of
directors
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 and
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managers
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managers'
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organisations
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 are often older
people
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 that has the subject of considerable debate in recent years. Some
people
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 believe that it is a beneficial thing,
while
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 others argue that it is a useless thing.
This
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 essay will explore both perspectives before offering my own opinion.
Although
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 both arguments have their merits, I firmly believe that it is a useful thing.
Body paragraph 1
On one hand, those who advocate that
managers
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 and
directors
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 of
organisations
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 are often older
people
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 argue that it is a beneficial thing. The main reason is that they have more experience
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then
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than
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 young
people
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.
For instance
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, if
a
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an
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 old maneger have a problem at his company, he can control the problem because he has a lot of information and experience.
Furthermore
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, having elderly
managers
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 and
directors
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organisations
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in organisations
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 not only can control any issues, but they
also
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 have more wisdom.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, many who hold the belief that it is a bad idea to have old
managers
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 and
directors
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 of
organisations
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 emphasise that they may suffer from memory loss.
For example
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, if
a
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an
show examples
 old director wants to
prepar
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prepare
 for presention, he might forget some details.
Additionally
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, many individuals think that elderly
managers
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 and
directors
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 are not suitable for work, and they should retire. The main factor is that
thay
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they
 suffer from health issues, so any pressure might affect them.
For instance
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, if
a
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an
show examples
 old manager be in pressure, he might lose his life.
Conclusion
To sum up
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,
while
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 there are
vaild
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valid
 arguments on both sides, I firmly believe that it is a beneficial thing to have old
managers
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 and
directors
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. The reasons outlined above clearly demonstrate that they have more experience than younger
managers
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, and that
can
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they can
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 manage any
probelms
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problems
.

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task response
State your view more clearly in the first part. Say if you agree, disagree, or agree only in part. Your main idea is clear, but the words “useful thing” and “bad idea” are too general.
task response
Give fuller reasons for your view. Explain how work experience helps leaders make good plans, deal with risk, and lead staff. Also explain why age alone does not always mean poor health or poor memory.
task response
Use more real and clear examples. For example, write about an older manager who has dealt with a fall in sales before, and can help the company act calmly.
task response
Avoid very strong claims without support, such as pressure may make an old manager lose his life. This does not help your main point and sounds too extreme.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: first part, two body parts, and final part. Keep this shape, but make each body part start with one clear main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Make the link between ideas smoother. In the first body part, explain experience first, then give one example, then show why this helps a company.
coherence and cohesion
Do not repeat “old managers and directors of organisations” so often. Use simple other words such as “these leaders”, “older leaders”, or “they” when the meaning is clear.
coherence and cohesion
Check key word forms and spelling because they can make the flow less clear: “older manager”, “than”, “prepare”, “presentation”, “they”, “valid”, and “problems”.
task response
You answer both sides of the topic and give your own view. You also give reasons about experience, health, and memory.
coherence and cohesion
The use of “On one hand”, “On the other hand”, and “To sum up” helps the reader follow your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Your final part repeats your main view and gives the key reason of experience, so the essay has a clear ending.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Wealth of experience
  • Historical knowledge
  • Fresh perspectives
  • Innovative ideas
  • Adaptability
  • Technological advancements
  • Team cohesion
  • Morale
  • Calculated risks
  • Significant advancements
  • Mentorship
  • Transfer of knowledge
  • Energy and drive
  • Refined decision-making skills
  • Younger workforce
  • Leadership development
  • Organizational dynamics
  • Risk-taking mindset
  • Change management
  • Intergenerational collaboration
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