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Writing Samples
Band 5

With the development of social media, more and more youngsters are being allowed unsupervised access to the internet in order to meet and chat with friends which can lead to potentially dangerous situations. What solutions can you suggest to deal with this problem?

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Introduction
In many cases, unsupervised
access
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 of youngsters to the
internet
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 might cause some potentially harmful situations and problems.
Firstly
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,
this
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 essay will discuss the problems caused by
this
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 tendency and
secondly
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 propose some solutions to counteract these issues.
Body paragraph 1
One major issue caused by
yougsters
Correct your spelling
youngsters
 can be friends with people they don’t know on social
platforms
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 with
help
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the help
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 of easy
internet
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access
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. These people may present themselves as another person, and
addition
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in addition
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 to
that
Punctuation problem
that,
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 they can deceive children
for
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to
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 share their personal information and take their photos. Another problem is
young
Correct word choice
that young
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 people may
reach
Verb problem
access
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 some materials which are not suitable for them.
For example
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, they can see some violence, sexual content and other harmful materials
that
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is
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are
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 not appropriate for their ages. All of these contents negatively
affect
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affects
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 their behaviours and personalities.
As a result
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, unsupervised
access
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 to the
internet
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 have harmful
affect
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effect
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 on youngsters.
Body paragraph 2
However
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, there are a number of solutions to these issues. One effective remedy would be parental supervision and education for safety. To achieve
this
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, parents should know and monitor
childern's
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children's
 actions on social
platforms
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and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 schools should give information about children's safety on
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internet
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the internet
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. A second possible solution might be age
restrictions
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 and screen time limits. To illustrate,
internet
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platforms
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 should set strict age
restrictions
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 for some contents and
also
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 parents might set time limits for their children to spend on
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internet
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the internet
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.
As a result
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,
childrens
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children
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 should know
to
Verb problem
apply
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not
share
Verb problem
to share
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 their personal information
to
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with
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 strangers on the
internet
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platforms
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and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 they need to
some
Verb problem
impose some
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restrictions
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for
Change preposition
on
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 inappropriate
contents
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content
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.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
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 unsupervised
access
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 to the
internet
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have
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has
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 a lot of negative impacts on youngsters, these problems can be resolved by parental monitoring and setting time limits and age
restrictions
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 on their
internet
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 use.

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Task response
Answer the question more directly. The task asks for solutions, so give most of the essay to solutions. You can mention the risks in a short part, but make the two solution parts longer.
Task response
Explain how each solution works. For example, say that parents can use safety tools, talk often with children, and check who they talk to. Explain that age checks can stop young children from seeing bad content.
Task response
Use clearer examples. Instead of only saying that children may see bad content, give one real case, such as a child being asked for a photo or home address by a stranger.
Coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an ending. Keep this plan, but make each main paragraph focus on one main idea.
Coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully. Words such as “For example”, “Also”, “Therefore”, and “As a result” can show the link between ideas. Do not use “As a result” when the next sentence is advice unless it clearly follows from the idea before it.
Coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because key words are missing or the word order is not clear. Write shorter sentences, for example: “Children may add strangers on social media. These strangers may lie about who they are.”
Coherence and cohesion
Make the ending match the body. Name both main solutions again: parent help and rules from apps or sites. This gives the essay a stronger close.
Task response
You identify key risks, such as strangers asking for private details and children seeing bad content.
Task response
You give useful solutions, including parent support, school lessons, age rules, and time limits.
Coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear overall order: opening, problems, solutions, and ending.
Coherence and cohesion
You use paragraph breaks and some linking phrases to guide the reader.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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