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Band 4.5

Children’s should take part time job in their free time or they should totally focus on their studies. What fc are the advantages and disadvantages to children of doing so?

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
Part
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Part-time
time
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 jobs for young
people
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 are important to teach them how to be more
resposible
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responsible
 and to get more into the society rules. Some
people
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 believe that
children's
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children
show examples
 should spend their free
time
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 on part
time
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 job
while
Linking Words
 others think
speendig
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spending
time
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 on studies
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 more relevant.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss both advantages and disadvantages of working in
a
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apply
show examples
childhood.
Body paragraph 1
Hard
work
Use synonyms
 is
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 more effective way to become a successful person. Most of the well successfull entreprenuer nowadays have the same mentality of working hard to achieve goals. Raising children with the same mentality of working
ealier
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earlier
 and
teching
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teaching
 them how powerful
the
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apply
show examples
money can be, may be a great step standing in front of many
other
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others
show examples
, when the right
time
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 comes.
For example
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, a young person with twenty four years old, finishing
the
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apply
show examples
university with a valuable background of working as a
child
Punctuation problem
child,
show examples
 may be more
intersting
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interesting
 for a company
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then
Use the right word
than
show examples
 those who have not
working
Wrong verb form
worked
show examples
 yet.
However
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, parents should be
carefull to not
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careful not to
show examples
 overload
children's
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children
show examples
 with a lot of
work
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 and
study
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.
Body paragraph 2
Time
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manegement
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management
 is
a
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 important key to
do
Verb problem
apply
show examples
not overload youngs
people
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 with
work
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 and
study
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. Some
childrens
Replace the word
children
 may find diffilcult to balance the student life with a working life, getting mental problems
such
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 as stress and
burnouts
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burnout
show examples
. Parents should give their sons the
choose
Replace the word
choice
 of with one prioritise
work
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 or
study
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 to avoid any pressure on them.
For example
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, assuming that the student
want's
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wants
show examples
 to be a doctor, indeed the priority should be
studing
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studying
 more than working,
once
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since
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 to become a doctor
is needed
Verb problem
requires
show examples
 more focus on studies.
Linking Words
Nevertheless
Add a comma
Nevertheless,
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 the teaching of how important
work
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it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is should be present
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the
student
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student's
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 life.
Conclusion
To conclude
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, working at an early age is important to
undertand
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understand
 how money is important
on
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in
show examples
Use synonyms
people lifes
Check wording
people's lives
show examples
 and
also
Linking Words
 to become a great member of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society with a great mentality of hard
working
Replace the word
work
.
Linking Words
However
Punctuation problem
However,
show examples
 parents should
alowed
Correct your spelling
allow
 them to choose what they want
to
Change preposition
for their
show examples
 future, therby chose which of both
study
Use synonyms
 or
work
Use synonyms
 prioritise.

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task response
Answer both parts more fully. Explain the good side of part-time work, such as money skills, work skills, and meeting people. Then explain the bad side, such as less time for study, stress, and tiredness.
task response
Make your main view clearer. You say work is important, but you also say study may come first. State when work is good for children and when study should be first.
task response
Use more real and clear examples. For example, a student may work a few hours at a shop on Saturday, but not during exam time.
coherence and cohesion
Use one clear main idea in each body part. Put advantages in one paragraph and disadvantages in the next paragraph. This will make the essay easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence. For example: “Part-time work can help young people learn useful skills.” Then give reasons and an example.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully, such as “First”, “For example”, “However”, “As a result”, and “In conclusion”. Make sure each link shows the right relation between ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because the ideas are too long. Use shorter sentences and make the subject clear. For example, write “Parents should not give children too much work” instead of using many ideas in one sentence.
task response
You discuss both the good and bad sides of part-time work, and you give a clear final view that parents should not put too much pressure on children.
task response
Your example about a student who wants to become a doctor is relevant. It shows that some jobs need more study time.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, two main paragraphs, and a conclusion. This gives it a clear overall shape.
coherence and cohesion
You use some useful linking words, such as “For example”, “However”, and “To conclude”, to guide the reader.
Answer the 'Advantages and Disadvantages' topic

IELTS advantages and disadvantages questions normally give you a statement and ask you to comment on the advantages and disadvantages of that statement.

Answer structure for the type of essay

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – advantages
  • Body paragraph 2 – disadvantages
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • The main advantage is...
  • The disadvantage of this...
  • The main benefit...
  • Despite these advantages...
  • One possible drawback...

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