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Band 4.5

The graph shows how elderly people in the United States spent their free time between 1980 and 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

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The graph shows how elderly people in the United States spent their free time between 1980 and 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
The line graph provides a breakdown of activities, namely reading, hiking, theatre,
TV
Use synonyms
 watching,
surfing
Correct word choice
and surfing
show examples
 the
internet
Use synonyms
, which elderly people spent their free time on, from 1980 to 2010. Units are given in percentage.
Overall
Linking Words
, watching
TV
Use synonyms
 was by far the most popular activity, nearly all the time,
while
Linking Words
 the reverse was true for surfing the
internet
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, another striking feature is that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 the
rate
Use synonyms
 of hiking skyrocketed to the peak
of,
Change preposition
apply
show examples
at the end
Linking Words
 of the provided timeframe. In 1980, watching
TV
Use synonyms
 had the highest
rate
Use synonyms
 of about 60%,
whereas
Linking Words
 the pattern for
internet
Use synonyms
 surfing had the
least
Correct word choice
lowest
show examples
 proportion of around 5%. The
internet
Use synonyms
 surfing
rate
Use synonyms
 increased moderately to 15% by 2000, followed by
surging
Replace the word
a surge
 to 50%, whilst watching
TV
Use synonyms
 rose to its highest
rate
Use synonyms
 of 70% in 2000, and decreased marginally to 65%
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
at the end
Linking Words
 of the given period. Regarding reading, it started at 30% in 1980
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and experienced some periods of volatility. In 2000, it bottomed out at 20%
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 before reaching a peak of 60%
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 in 2010.
In contrast
Linking Words
, theatre remained static, starting at a peak of 50% in 1980, and ending at approximately 45%, despite ups and downs. Turning to hiking, it began at a low of 20% in 1980, and surged to the highest proportion of 80%, without fluctuations.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "at the end".
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Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Add more body paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words tv, internet, rate with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "give" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "provides" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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