IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The line graph provides data on(compares) how many job opportunities were available across four different economic sectors, namely manufacturing, retail, agriculture and healthcare in the US over the 60-year period, from 1960 to 2020. Units are measured in millions.

6.5 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
The line graph provides data on(compares) how many job opportunities were available across four different economic sectors, namely manufacturing, retail, agriculture and healthcare in the US over the 60-year period, from 1960 to 2020. Units are measured in millions.
The line graph provides data on(compares) how many job opportunities were available across four different economic sectors, namely manufacturing, retail, agriculture and healthcare in the US over the 60-year period, from 1960 to 2020. Units are measured in millions.
Overall
Linking Words
, manufacturing experienced by far the largest number of vacancies for most of the period,
although
Linking Words
 its figure decreased considerably after an initial peak.
In contrast
Linking Words
, agriculture was the
lowest
Correct word choice
least
show examples
 popular choice,
while
Linking Words
 both retail and healthcare witnessed a significant upward trend throughout the period. In 1960, about 15
million
Use synonyms
 jobs
recorded
Verb problem
were recorded
show examples
 in manufacturing,
while
Linking Words
 it peaked at roughly 20
million
Use synonyms
 in 1980 before
decreased
Wrong verb form
decreasing
show examples
 dramatically to approximately 13
million
Use synonyms
. In comparison, around 6
million
Use synonyms
 employment numbers
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
 accounted for agriculture in 1960
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
this
Linking Words
 figure declined slightly to around 3
million
Use synonyms
 in 1980 before levelling off till 2000 and decreased noticeably to just under 3
million
Use synonyms
. The US received around 6
million
Use synonyms
 retail vacancies in 1960. It
then
Linking Words
 increased to roughly 15
million
Use synonyms
 and continued to increase steadily to just over 16
million
Use synonyms
 in 2020.
Similarly
Linking Words
, the number of healthcare jobs started at the lowest point of just around 2
million
Use synonyms
 in 1960.
Linking Words
However
Add a comma
However,
show examples
 it experienced a dramatic rise over the decades to reach retail at roughly 16
million
Use synonyms
 by 2020.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 100%.
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words million with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "provides" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "data" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "decreased" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "roughly" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 4 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "dramatically" was used 2 times.
▼
What to do next:
Look at other essays: