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Band 4

many children are encouraged by their parents to get a part-time job in their free time. what are the advantages and disadvantages to children of doing so?

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Introduction
In many countries, parents often motivate their children to find a small job in their
time
Use synonyms
 after
school
Use synonyms
.
Linking Words
this
Capitalize the word
This
show examples
 essay will discuss the positives and negatives of
this
Linking Words
 for
youn
Correct your spelling
young
 people.
Body paragraph 1
One of the main benefits is that they are going to learn new skills.
This
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 is because they will learn things they never had in
school
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.
For example
Linking Words
, sales and
markiting
Correct your spelling
marketing
.
While
Linking Words
 joining the
feild
Correct your spelling
field
, they will know more about selling and advertising products. As
result
Add an article
a result
show examples
, young people build confidence
communication
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in communicating
show examples
 with adults.
Body paragraph 2
Another advantage is that once they build self-confidence, they will be willing to make new relationships.
For example
Linking Words
, knowing people in the same domain
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
show examples
 them to make more friendships.
For instance
Linking Words
, enable them to interchange knowledge.
Body paragraph 3
However
Linking Words
, there are
also
Linking Words
 some
diadvantages
Correct your spelling
disadvantages
 to consider. The main one is that after
Use synonyms
school
Punctuation problem
school,
show examples
 they are physically exhausted.
This
Linking Words
 can reflect on their attention because of
lack
Add an article
a lack
show examples
 of
resting
Replace the word
rest
.
For instance
Linking Words
, most of the
daytime
Replace the word
day
 they are in
school
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 and after that getting some
time
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 to sleep before doing homework and
school
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 projects.
Therefore
Linking Words
, attending a
part
Correct your spelling
part-time
time
Use synonyms
 job after study
time
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 will interrupt them from their main focus, which is high marks.
Body paragraph 4
Moreover
Linking Words
, another disadvantage is that they are not responsible enough.
For example
Linking Words
, in many
taskes
Correct your spelling
tasks
 they need their parents' help to get things done. As
result
Add an article
a result
show examples
,
lack
Add an article
a lack
show examples
 of responsibility with children
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
 them
untrust worthy
Correct your spelling
untrustworthy
 with big tasks
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 work.
Conclusion
In conclusion, there are good and bad sides
for
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to
show examples
 teenagers working a few hours a week in their spare
time
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.
While
Linking Words
 they can gain useful habits and build confidence, it can
also
Linking Words
 lead to exhaustion and mental distraction.
Overall
Linking Words
, it is important for youngsters to focus more on their studies.

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task response
Answer both parts in a more even way. You give two good points and two bad points, but some ideas need more detail. Explain how a job helps children, and why each bad point may happen.
task response
Use clearer examples. For example, name a simple job, such as helping in a shop, and show how it teaches speaking, time use, or work with other people.
task response
Be careful with the last idea. Saying that children are not responsible may not always be true. Explain that some young people may need help at first, but they can learn to be more responsible through small jobs.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, main body, and ending. Keep this plan, but make the link between ideas smoother. The second good point repeats confidence and friendship, so it could be joined with the first good point or changed to learning how to manage money.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a more natural way. Use words such as “also”, “because”, “as a result”, “however”, and “for example” only when they clearly show the link. Do not use both “for example” and “for instance” for the same idea.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph focus on one main idea. Start with the point, explain it, then give one example. This will make your writing easier to follow.
task response
You discuss both the good and bad sides of part-time work, and your ending gives a clear overall view.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because you use separate paragraphs for good points, bad points, and the ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use useful linking words such as “however”, “therefore”, and “in conclusion” to guide the reader.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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