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Band 5

Many children are encouraged by their parents to get a part-time job in their free time. What are the advantages and disadvantages to children of doing so?

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Introduction
In many countries, parents often motivate their children to find a small job in their time after
academy
Use the right word
school
show examples
.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss the positives and negatives of
this
Linking Words
 for young people.
Body paragraph 1
One of the main benefits is that they are going to learn new skills.
This
Linking Words
 is because they will learn things they never had in school.
For example
Linking Words
, sales and marketing.
While
Linking Words
 joining the field, they will know more about selling and advertising products.
As a result
Linking Words
, young people build confidence in communicating with adults.
Body paragraph 2
Another advantage is that once they build self-confidence, they will be willing to make new relationships.
For example
Linking Words
, knowing people in the same domain leads them to make more
friendships
Check wording
friends
show examples
.
For instance
Linking Words
, enable them to interchange knowledge.
Body paragraph 3
However
Linking Words
, there are
also
Linking Words
 some disadvantages to consider. The main one is that after school, they are physically exhausted.
This
Linking Words
 can reflect on their attention because of a lack of rest.
For instance
Linking Words
, most of the day they are in
institution
Add an article
the institution
show examples
 and after that getting some
hour
Check wording
hours
show examples
 of sleep before doing homework and school projects.
Therefore
Linking Words
, attending a part-time job after study time will interrupt them from their main focus, which is high marks.
Body paragraph 4
Moreover
Linking Words
, another disadvantage is that they are not responsible enough.
For example
Linking Words
, in many
tasks
Add a comma
tasks,
show examples
 they need their parents' help to get things done.
As a result
Linking Words
, a lack of responsibility with children makes them untrustworthy with big tasks at work.
Conclusion
In conclusion, there are good and bad sides to teenagers working a few hours a week in their spare time.
While
Linking Words
 they can gain useful habits and build confidence, it can
also
Linking Words
 lead to exhaustion and mental distraction.
Overall
Linking Words
, it is important for youngsters to focus more on their studies.

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Task response
Answer both parts in a more even way. You give two good points for work, but the second point is close to the first: confidence and making friends are linked. Add a more different good point, such as learning how to manage money or time.
Task response
Explain each main point more fully. For example, say how a sales job helps a child learn to speak to people, solve small problems, and understand what customers need.
Task response
Use examples that are more real and clear. Instead of only saying “sales and marketing”, give a short example: a child who works in a shop may learn to talk politely to customers and count money.
Task response
Your final view is clear, but it is too strong because it says young people should focus more on study. A better ending could say that part-time work is helpful only when the hours are limited and school work comes first.
Coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear order: introduction, good points, bad points, and conclusion. Keep this plan, but make the link between ideas smoother.
Coherence and cohesion
Use one main idea in each body paragraph. The paragraph about confidence and friends could be joined with the first good point, or changed to a new idea such as money skills.
Coherence and cohesion
Some linking words are used well, such as “however”, “for example”, and “therefore”. Do not use “for example” too many times in the same paragraph. Use “also”, “because of this”, or “as a result” when needed.
Coherence and cohesion
Make some sentences clearer. For example, change “after academy” to “after school”, “in institution” to “at school”, and “some hour of sleep” to “a few hours of rest”.
Task response
You answer both the good and bad sides of part-time work for children.
Task response
The points about new skills, confidence, tiredness, and less time for study are all related to the question.
Coherence and cohesion
The introduction tells the reader what the essay will discuss, and the conclusion sums up both sides.
Coherence and cohesion
Paragraphs are easy to follow, and each paragraph starts with a clear main point.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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