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Writing Samples
Band 2.5

number of jobs in four sectors of the economy in the usa 1960-2020

2.5 / 9
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Introduction
The line graph presents data on the number of jobs in the US in four different sectors of the economy between 1960 and 2020. The data is measured in millions.
Body paragraph 1
Overall
Linking Words
, manufacturing and agriculture categories slightly decreased over the period,
while
Linking Words
 retail and
healthcare
Use synonyms
 experienced rapid increases.
Body paragraph 2
Between 1960 and
1980
Punctuation problem
1980,
show examples
 manufacturing started with 15
million
Use synonyms
 and increased to 20
million
Use synonyms
,
Add a semicolon
;
show examples
however
Linking Words
, it decreased slightly to roughly 17
million
Use synonyms
 in 2020.
While
Linking Words
 agriculture reduced from approximately 6
million
Use synonyms
 to roughly 3
million
Use synonyms
 and
remain
Wrong verb form
remained
show examples
 constant till 2000. From 2000 to
2020
Punctuation problem
2020,
show examples
 both witnessed a decrease
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 in
2020
Punctuation problem
2020,
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 manufacturing was approximately 13
million
Use synonyms
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 agriculture was roughly 2
million
Use synonyms
respectively
Punctuation problem
, respectively
show examples
.
Conclusion
Retail and
healthcare
Use synonyms
 both experienced an increase during 60 years period. In
1960
Punctuation problem
1960,
show examples
 retail started with 6
million
Use synonyms
 roughly,
while
Linking Words
healthcare
Use synonyms
with
Verb problem
had
show examples
 2
million
Use synonyms
 approximately. Between 1980 and
2000
Punctuation problem
2000,
show examples
 both of these sectors
also
Linking Words
 increased, retail from 10 to 15
million
Use synonyms
,
Use synonyms
healthcare
Correct word choice
and healthcare
show examples
 from 5 to 11
million
Use synonyms
 roughly. In
2020
Punctuation problem
2020,
show examples
 they
rise
Wrong verb form
rose
show examples
 to approximately 16
million
Use synonyms
 and
meet
Wrong verb form
met
show examples
 at the same point.

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Task response
Give a clearer overall view. Say which two areas went up, which two went down, and name the biggest or most important change.
Task response
Check every number and year carefully. The report says that retail and health meet in 2020, but this is not clear from the earlier figures. State the final number for each area if the graph shows it.
Task response
Cover all four lines in a balanced way. Add key start, middle, and end points, but do not try to list too many small changes.
Coherence and cohesion
Use a clear four-part plan: introduce the graph, give the main picture, describe the two falling lines, and then describe the two rising lines.
Coherence and cohesion
Make time order easier to follow. In the first body paragraph, move from 1960 to 1980, then 2000, then 2020 for both areas.
Coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully. For example: “Manufacturing rose at first, but then fell.” Do not begin too many sentences with “While” or “Between”.
Coherence and cohesion
Use full sentences and clear grammar. For example, write “Agriculture remained stable until 2000” and “In 2020, both sectors fell.”
Task response
You describe the main direction of all four areas, including the fall in farming and the rise in health care.
Task response
You include useful figures from different years, so the reader can see the main changes.
Coherence and cohesion
Your introduction clearly states what the graph shows and gives the unit.
Coherence and cohesion
You group the falling areas together and the rising areas together. This is a good way to organize a graph report.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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