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Band 5

(Re)Some people believe it is beneficial for children to attend graduate school, while others argue that children should be given the freedom to choose their own career? Share your opinion?

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Introduction
Some assume that enrolling in
graduate
Use synonyms
school
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 is worthwhile for university graduates, but others contend that the option of selecting their own
career
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 should be given to them.
Although
Linking Words
graduate
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school
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 can be valuable, individuals should decide whether and when to attend
there
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graduate school
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 based on their future
goals
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 and
interests
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.
Body paragraph 1
Graduate
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school
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 programs require considerable investment of time and money.
However
Linking Words
, these
investment
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investments
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 cannot deliver the expected benefits before students have identified their
interests
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 and
career
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goals
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.
For example
Linking Words
, a friend of mine who has studied civil engineering at
graduate
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school
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 eventually applied for a sales position because he wanted more opportunities to interact with people, which he realized that as a core component that he desired in a working environment
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 during his time in
graduate
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school
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. In
this
Linking Words
 case,
therefore
Linking Words
, his investment in the programs didn't provide significant assistance in building his
career
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.
Hence
Linking Words
, a match between his
interests
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 and his field of study at
graduate
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school
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 is particularly important to reduce the mismatch between his education and his
career
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goals
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.
Body paragraph 2
Entering business fields enables people to identify a field to
specialize
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specialise
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 in.
For instance
Linking Words
, someone who has
curiousity
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curiosity
 about corporate strategy associated with M&A can develop his understanding if he
enroll
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enrols
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 in a
graduate
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 program in finance.
Additionally
Linking Words
, the clear goal and motivation to learn
maximize
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maximises
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 the outcome of the program. Flexibility to choose when to
enroll
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enrol
show examples
 and what to study, thereby, helps people pursue their
career
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goals
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.
Conclusion
In conclusion, students should have the freedom to decide whether and when to attend
graduate
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school
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. Students who already
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
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 a clear desire to learn should
enroll
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enrol
show examples
 in
graduate
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school
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 after completing their undergraduate degree, but others should be free to identify their
interests
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 through work experience and decide later.

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task response
State your view more directly in the first paragraph. Say clearly that people should be free to choose if and when they go to graduate school.
task response
Develop the second main idea further. Explain more clearly how work can help a person find a subject they want to study later.
task response
Use a more general example as well as, or instead of, your friend’s story. This can make your point feel stronger and more widely true.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: introduction, two main paragraphs, and conclusion. Keep this plan in future essays.
coherence and cohesion
Make the link between the first body paragraph and your main view clearer. After the example, explain in one short sentence why this shows that choice is important.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. For example, “therefore” and “hence” are both used close together; one is enough. This will make the writing smoother.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are long and hard to follow. Break them into two shorter sentences, especially in the example about civil engineering and sales.
task response
You answer the question and give a clear opinion: graduate school can be useful, but each person should choose based on their goals and interests.
task response
The essay gives reasons for your view, including the cost of study, the need to know one’s interests, and the value of work experience.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction and conclusion clearly match, and the conclusion returns to your main view.
coherence and cohesion
Each body paragraph has one main idea, and the examples are connected to the point of the paragraph.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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