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Band 4.5

Some people think charity organization should help people in great need wherever they live. However, others think they should help people in their own country. Discuss both opinions and give your own opinion.

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Introduction
Two groups of individuals have different views about
charities
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,
Add a semicolon
;
show examples
 the first group says that these
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organizations
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organisations
show examples
 must help
people
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 who need their help regardless of their locations. The second one thinks that
such
Linking Words
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organizations
Change the spelling
organisations
show examples
 must
support
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people
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 who live in the same areas
of
Change preposition
as
show examples
 these
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organizations
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organisations
show examples
. For me, I
support
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 the view about aiding
people
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 who need
regardless
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help regardless
show examples
 of their locations,
this
Linking Words
 is because there are
charities
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 that specialize for specific
people
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 with specific conditions. Those
people
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 might not have the same
charities
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 in their own
countries
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.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand,
charities
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 are
suppose
Wrong verb form
supposed
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 to
prioritize
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prioritise
show examples
people
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 who live in their
countries
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.
Firstly
Linking Words
,
such
Linking Words
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organizations
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organisations
show examples
 might be unpopular at
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
first time for
people
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 abroad.
Then
Linking Words
, they might start to receive money and
support
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 from citizens and governments who are from the same country only.
In other words
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 money is rational to spend on
people
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 from the same area.
For example
Linking Words
, there might be many
people
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 in the same area without houses or enough
clothe
Replace the word
clothes
, if they aided other oversees. So,
charities
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 must ensure that
people
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 from the same cities have enough
support
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.
Then
Linking Words
, if they
sent
Verb problem
were sent
show examples
 to them all their needs, they might look for others from different
countries
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.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, there might be
people
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 with specific conditions
do
Correct pronoun usage
who do
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 not have
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organizations
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organisations
show examples
 to look after them in their
countries
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.
Charities
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 may be
categorized
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categorised
show examples
 for aiding specific
people
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 only,
such
Linking Words
 as older
people
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 or
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
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 with mental disabilities. Unfortunately,
this
Linking Words
 might not be everywhere, because there are
countries
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do
Correct pronoun usage
that do
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 not have these
charities
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. In these
countries
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,
people
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 with special needs or who are disabled might not have enough
support
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. So, for
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 sake of those
people
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,
charities
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 who are specialized in
Down
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the Down
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 syndrome condition in
USA
Add an article
the USA
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,
for example
Linking Words
, can help
people
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 with
this
Linking Words
 syndrome in Ghana and Syria. So,
this
Linking Words
 might help those
people
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 to have the right help from care or cures, if they
had
Wrong verb form
did
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 not
Linking Words
such
Verb problem
have such
show examples
organization
Correct determiner usage
an organisation
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 in their
countries
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.
Conclusion
In my
opnion
Correct your spelling
opinion
,
although
Linking Words
charities
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' donors might be from the same country and
also
Linking Words
 there are more likely to be
people
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 who need their aid from the same country more than
oversees
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overseas
show examples
. But, there are
people
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 with specific conditions
might
Correct pronoun usage
who might
show examples
 not have
charities
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 for them in their own
countries
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. So,
charities
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 that
specialized
Wrong verb form
specialise
show examples
 in their condition are supposed to aid them regardless of their location.

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task response
You answer both views and give your own view. To make your answer stronger, explain more clearly why helping people in other countries can be more important in some cases, and why help at home should come first in other cases.
task response
Your main view is clear, but it is repeated in the last part. State it once in a direct way: charities should help at home first, but they should also help people abroad when no local help is there.
task response
Use examples that are clear and fully explained. For example, say how a group for people with Down syndrome could give care, training, or money to a child in a country with no such group.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: start, first view, second view, and your view. This helps the reader follow your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph start with one clear main idea. Then add a reason and one example. Some sentences now repeat the same point or move too fast to a new point.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Words such as 'firstly', 'for example', 'however', and 'therefore' can help, but make sure the next sentence truly shows that link.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid unclear words such as 'this', 'them', and 'such organizations' when the reader may not know exactly what they mean. Name the group or people again when needed.
task response
You discuss both sides of the question and clearly show which view you support.
task response
The point about people with special needs who may have no help in their own country is useful and fits your view well.
coherence and cohesion
The use of 'On the one hand' and 'On the other hand' makes the two views easy to see.
coherence and cohesion
The last paragraph returns to your own view, so the essay has a clear ending.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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