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Band 5.5

Many places people prefer small shops instead of with big shops. Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

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Introduction
In modern society, life has changed a great deal, especially in malls.
This
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 includes large and small malls. Recently, some people often believe that they should go to large shops.
However
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, others believe that it is a complex issue
,
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 which can create many problems.
Thus
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, both views have significant points and reasons. I personally argue that the advantages are stronger than the disadvantages.
This
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 assay will provide key information to explore the main topic.
Hence
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, both views have significant points.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, based on the primary research, there are several advantages.
This
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 is
due to
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 many positive reasons.
First,
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a small shop is a useful idea.
This
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 is because it maintains items.
In other words
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, the items,
such
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 as books, pens and printers, should be organised.
This
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 can facilitate shopping.
For example
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, if books are organised carefully, they can find them easily.
As a result
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, shopping becomes more beneficial.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, in terms of the secondary view, there are numerous drawbacks.
This
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 is
due to
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 major negative reasons.
First,
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it is a difficult point.
This
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 is because people become uncomfortable.
This
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 reflects a dramatic issue .
Conclusion
In conclusion,
according to
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 the main report, there are several significant benefits
,
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 which can make a real change.
However
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, there are major harmful tips, which can make a negative impact.
Thus
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, I firmly believe that a small shop can make a useful change.
Hence
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, the government recommends people follow the right tips for a positive result and a better life.

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task response
Give a clear answer in the first part: say that this is positive or negative, and keep the same view to the end.
task response
Explain why small shops are better or worse with clear main ideas. For example, small shops may give friendly help, save time, and support local people.
task response
Your point about items being in order is not clear enough. Say how this makes small shops better than big shops.
task response
The part about bad points is too short and too general. Name real bad points, such as higher prices or fewer things to buy, then explain them.
task response
Use examples that fit the topic. Instead of books and pens only, describe a small local shop and how it helps a buyer.
coherence and cohesion
Use a simple four-part plan: first part with your view, one part for good points, one part for bad points, and a last part that repeats your view.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph about one main idea. Start with a clear topic sentence, then give a reason and an example.
coherence and cohesion
Do not repeat the same lines, such as “both views have significant points” and “This is due to...”. Use direct words instead.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas clearly with simple words such as “First”, “Also”, “However”, “For example”, and “Therefore”.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid unclear words like “complex issue”, “dramatic issue”, “main report”, and “right tips”. Say exactly what problem or help you mean.
task response
You give your own view and try to show both good and bad sides.
task response
You include an example about finding books more easily.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a beginning, two main parts, and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use some linking words, such as “On the one hand”, “However”, and “In conclusion”.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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