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Band 4.5

Some people say History is one of the most important school subjects. Other people think that, in today's world, subjects like Science and Technology are more important than history. Discuss both these view and give your own opinion

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Introduction
In today's society, the issue of
wheather
Correct your spelling
whether
 studying
history
Use synonyms
 as
main
Add an article
a main
show examples
 subject remains a topic of debate.
While
Linking Words
 some people
beleive
Correct your spelling
believe
 that learning
history
Use synonyms
 is important , others argue that studying
subjects
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as
science
Use synonyms
 and technology are more vital compared to the learning of
history
Use synonyms
. In
this
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 essay, both aspects of the topic will be
discussed
Punctuation problem
discussed,
show examples
 followed by my opinion.
Body paragraph 1
Supportes
Replace the word
Supporters
 of
history
Use synonyms
 as
main
Add an article
a main
show examples
 subject argue that
,
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apply
show examples
 learning
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
history
Use synonyms
is
Verb problem
apply
show examples
helps
to
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apply
show examples
students
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 to identify their
cultures
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 and
traditions
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.
For example
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, if student know their
cultures
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 and
traditions
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, they will start to respect other
cultures
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 and
traditions
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also
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, which will help to avoid any conflicts between different
ethnicty
Correct your spelling
ethnicities
.
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Moreover
Add a comma
Moreover,
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 it will help
to
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apply
show examples
students
Use synonyms
devlop
Correct your spelling
develop
 their critical thinking. As data
analysing
Replace the word
analysis
 is required to compare the
Use synonyms
history
Replace the word
historical
 events and reach
to the
Change preposition
apply
show examples
conclusions.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, some people argue that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 studying
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
technical
subjects
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are create
Correct subject-verb agreement
creates
show examples
 more job opportunities
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
students
Use synonyms
.
Becasue
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Because
,
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apply
show examples
 studying these
subjects
Use synonyms
are improving
Correct subject-verb agreement
improves
show examples
 the thinking and
descision making abilty
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decision-making ability
 of the
students
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.
For instance
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, many multinational companies
such
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 as
microsoft
Capitalize the proper name
Microsoft
show examples
,
apple
Capitalize the proper name
Apple
show examples
,
nvidia and google
Fix capitalization
Nvidia
show examples
,
are
Correct word choice
and Google are
show examples
 likely
provide
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to provide
show examples
 training to
the
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apply
show examples
people who have good knowledge of
sciene
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science
 and technology,
although
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 they do not have any basic degrees.
Furthermore
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,
students
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 who have
learnt
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learned
,
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apply
show examples
science
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subjects
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are inherited
Verb problem
have
show examples
 good
problem solving
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problem-solving
 skills.
For example
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,
shangahai university
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Shanghai University
 has
consducted as
Rephrase
conducted
 research based on
students
Use synonyms
 who are studying art
subjects
Use synonyms
 and
science
Use synonyms
subjects
Use synonyms
. The research
aim
Correct subject-verb agreement
aims
show examples
 to identify the
problem solving
Correct your spelling
problem-solving
 skills of each group
and
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, and
show examples
 it was demonstrated that
science
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students
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 are much
more quickly
Replace the word
quicker
 than art
students
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,
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apply
show examples
 when solving
the
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apply
show examples
problems.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
while
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 learning
history
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 can have
benfits
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benefits
 like
identify
Wrong verb form
identifying
show examples
cultures
Use synonyms
 and
traditions
Use synonyms
.
Stydying
Correct your spelling
Studying
science
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 and technology can have benefits
such
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good
Change preposition
as good
show examples
 job opportunities and improve their thinking and
decision making
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decision-making
 ability.
Accordingly
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,in my
opininon
Correct your spelling
opinion,
 studying
science
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 and
technolgy
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technology
subjects
Use synonyms
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 more
valuble
Correct your spelling
valuable
 than learning
history
Use synonyms
.

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task response
You discuss both views and give your own view. Make your main view more clear from the start, and explain why science and technology are more important today.
task response
Build each main point more fully. For history, explain how knowing the past can help people make better choices now. For science, explain how it helps solve real world needs, such as health, energy, and work.
task response
Some examples need to be more careful. The claim that large companies train people with no basic degree is too broad. Use a simple, clear example that directly shows your point.
task response
The study about art and science students is not fully clear and may not be needed. Explain the reason first, then add an example only if it is clear and useful.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: start, history view, science view, and end. Keep this shape, but make the links between ideas smoother.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body part with one clear main idea. Then give one reason, explain it, and add one example. Do not put several ideas together in one long sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a natural way: "For example", "As a result", "However", and "In addition". Avoid using "Moreover" or "Furthermore" when the next idea is not closely linked.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence flow and word forms. For example, write "studying history helps students" rather than "learning of history is helps to students". Clear grammar will make your ideas easier to follow.
task response
You answer all parts of the question: you explain the value of history, the value of science and technology, and your own view.
task response
You give useful ideas, such as history helping people know their culture and science helping people find work and solve problems.
coherence and cohesion
The order of your ideas is easy to see, with one body part for each view and a final paragraph for your opinion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful signposts, such as "On the other hand" and "In conclusion", to guide the reader.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • crucial
  • comprehend
  • retrospect
  • gain insights
  • reflect on
  • sharpen
  • evaluate
  • significance
  • heritage
  • legacy
  • advent
  • breakthroughs
  • sustain
  • sustainability
  • revolutions
  • empowered
  • overcome
  • transform
  • advancements
  • collaboration
  • cooperation
  • diversity
  • fulfilling
  • promote
  • facilitate
  • prosperity
  • enhance
  • foster
  • foundation
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