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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In some countries people spend long hours at work. Why does this happen? Is it positive or negative development

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Introduction
An ongoing debate about why
do
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apply
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workers spend many hours at work in several states and what impact
can
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this can have
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this
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 cause. From my personal experience, I believe that
this
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a
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is a
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positive and negative sophistication at once.
Body paragraph 1
On one hand, evolved nations required an enormous effort to reach the quality of life they planned for. The reasons
of
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apply
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why
does
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this
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occured
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occurred
 are
:
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apply
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 numerous goals, high wages & ongoing global variables. The first reason is multiple goals to
achieved
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be achieved
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 throughout the year & unmanaged plan could be the main reason why
organizations
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organisations
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 fail
reach
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to reach
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 their final destination.
Moreover
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,
Adding
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adding
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 targets must be reliable & reasonable to enable the team to focus & perform better towards a clear point. The second reason is high wages
which
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, which
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 most people think that a high salary means I am able to spend plenty of my time at work
which
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, which
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 is wrong, we're humans & have other life aspects we should participate in
it
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apply
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,
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For
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for
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 instance: Family & health. The
last
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 one is the
continues
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continuous
 international changes that no one can predict & must be aware of to develop a business.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, the development of all these factors
are
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is
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 both beneficial & harmful. Any business growth will affect the government & fund.
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therefore
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Therefore
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, we recommend companies to keep working to enable
state
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the state
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, business owner & society to expand.
In addition
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, spending time in sophisticating ourselves is better than wasting it in
unuseful
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useless
 methods. The main unwanted points are how focusing
in
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on a
 job for too long can cause
a
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apply
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massive health problems &
weakness the
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weaken
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 family relationships.
Hence
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, balanced occupation is the solution.
Conclusion
In conclusion, work is necessary for the individual & his nation
,
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;
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however
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,
requires
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it requires
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a well
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good
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 management to ensure benefits are
ascending
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increasing
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.

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task response
Answer both questions more directly. Give clear reasons for long work hours, such as high living costs, job fear, and work culture. Then clearly say if this change is more good or more bad.
task response
Your main view is not clear. You say it is both good and bad, but the question asks for your view. Choose one main side, or say which side is stronger.
task response
Use simple, real examples. For example, workers may stay late to pay rent, keep their job, or meet a work goal. Explain how long hours can harm health and family time.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an end. However, some ideas do not link well. Make each paragraph focus on one main point.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear topic sentences. For example: “One reason people work long hours is that they need more money.” Then explain this idea before moving to the next reason.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid very long sentences with many ideas. Write shorter sentences so the reader can follow your meaning more easily.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a natural way, such as “First”, “Also”, “However”, “For example”, and “As a result”. Do not use “On the other hand” unless you are giving a clear opposite point.
task response
You discuss both the reasons for long work hours and their effects, so you address the main parts of the question.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. This gives your writing a basic clear shape.
task response
You include useful ideas about money, business needs, health, and family life. These are relevant to the topic.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • prevalent
  • economic pressures
  • financial stability
  • competitive job markets
  • corporate cultures
  • stigma
  • demonstrate dedication
  • advent of technology
  • blurred the lines
  • accelerated career progression
  • dedicated employee
  • significant negative implications
  • stress levels
  • mental health
  • physical health
  • social and family time
  • productivity
  • burnout
  • flexible working hours
  • work-life balance
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