IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

“Nowadays children are undisciplined because their parents are busy with their career.” To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? What could parents do to build a sense of discipline among children?

3.5 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
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Introduction
Some people claim that recent
children
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 tend to lack discipline
due to
Linking Words
 modern
parents
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 who are too focused on their work. I partly agree
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this
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with this
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 notion as
amont
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the amount
 of time
parents
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 and their
children
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 share is decreased compared to
previous
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the previous
show examples
 generation, resulting in less chance of teaching and guiding their own
children
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.
Body paragraph 1
First and foremost,
parents
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at
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in
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this
Linking Words
 era are busier than ever before. Unlike boomers, it is very common
that
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for
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 women
have
Verb problem
to have
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 their own
job
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jobs
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 in various fields these days.
This
Linking Words
 means that
children
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 are likely to spend their weekdays without being taken care of by their fathers and mothers, resulting in
chidren
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children
 being less likely to have a chance to learn meaningful
lesson
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lessons
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 or insightful
experience
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experiences
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 from their family members.
Body paragraph 2
But you cannot be too
dissapointed
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disappointed
, because
this
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 negative trend can be
alliviated
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alleviated
 by both traditional and
up to date approach
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up-to-date approaches
; using printed books and modern apps
such
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 as
youtube
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YouTube
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. Self-help books or classic
masterpiece
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masterpieces
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 that
tells
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tell
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 a lot about society can teach youngsters
importance
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the importance
show examples
 of
displine
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discipline
.
Also
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,
children
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 can learn
wide
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a wide
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 variety of wisdom from educational
contents
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content
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 uploaded on
youtube
Capitalize the proper name
YouTube
show examples
 free of charge. By
ulilizing
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utilising
 these means, jubnile can learn
meaningfulness
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the meaningfulness
show examples
 of discipline really effectively.
Conclusion
Overall
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,
although
Linking Words
 I agree that it became a little bit difficult for
children
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 to learn lessons from their
parents
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, printed
contents
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content
show examples
 and online material can play a significant role
for
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in
show examples
 letting
children
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 know important concepts
including
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, including
show examples
 discipline and many other things.

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task response
Answer both parts more directly. You explain why busy parents may lead to less discipline, but your second main idea is about books and YouTube. The question asks what parents can do, so focus on actions by parents.
task response
Give clear and real steps: set simple rules, keep a daily plan, give fair results when rules are broken, praise good acts, and spend regular time talking with the child.
task response
Explain why each step works. For example, a parent can set a fixed bedtime and ask the child to put toys away each night. This helps the child learn that rules are part of daily life.
task response
Your view is clear: you partly agree. Make the limits of your view clearer by saying that work is one cause, but not the only cause. Some children can still be well behaved when busy parents give them time, rules, and care.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an ending. However, the second body part does not fully follow from the question because it moves from parents to books and online videos.
coherence and cohesion
Use topic sentences that answer the question. For the second body paragraph, start with: "Parents can build discipline by making clear rules and following them every day."
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words such as "because", "therefore", "for example", and "as a result". Make sure each sentence adds support to the main point of its paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid very long sentences with many ideas. Split them into shorter sentences so the reader can follow your meaning more easily.
task response
You state your position early and keep the same view in the ending.
task response
You identify a useful cause: parents may have less time to guide their children.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow at a basic level because it has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some clear signposts, such as "First and foremost", "Also", and "Overall".
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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