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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

SOME PEOPLE SAY THAT PARENTS SHOUL ENCOURAGE THEIR CHILDREN TO TAKE PART IN ORGANIZED GROUP ACTIVITIES IN THEIR FREE TIME. OTHERS SAY THAT IT IS IMPORTANT FOR CHILDREN TO LEARN HOW TO OCCUPY THEMSELVES ON THEIR OWN. DISCUSS BOTH THESE VIEWS AND GIVE YOUR ON OPINION.

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
Children
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 are the key to a brighter future. Parents must raise them carefully.
some
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Some
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 people see that adults must encourage their
children
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 to cooperate in
organized
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organised
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group
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activities
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 in their free time.
Others
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 say that it is crucial to learn how to occupy themselves on their own.
This
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 essay will examine both views
and
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, and
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 I will give my opinion.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand,
Some
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some
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 individuals see that
Taking
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taking
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 part in
group
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activities
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 is beneficial for
children
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.
Firstly
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, it teaches them an important
manner
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lesson
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, which is cooperation.
For example
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, it allows them to cooperate with
others
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 in different
activities
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.
Also
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, they will learn that they must depend on each other in order to achieve their goal.
Secondly
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, they will accept getting
in
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into
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 arguments.
For instance
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, dealing with different personalities usually
lead
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leads
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 to arguments.
Moreover
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, they will get used to accept other’s point of
views
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view
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.
Finally
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, they will get the chance to make new friends.
For example
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, they may meet other friends who have common interests.
Furthermore
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, they may learn from each other by sharing their information.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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,
others
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 suppose that it is crucial to learn how to occupy themselves on their own.
Firstly
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, they will be responsible for themselves.
For instance
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, they will depend only on their skills and knowledge.
Moreover
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, they will not ask for help in any case.
Secondly
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, they will know how to overcome the barriers they might face.
For example
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, they will know how to solve their issues
by
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on
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 their own.
Also
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, they will be taught how to find a solution to their problems.
Finally
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, they will develop leadership skills.
For instance
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, they may become managers who are responsible for a team.
Furthermore
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, they will get used to
have
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having
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 responsibilities since being a child.
Conclusion
In conclusion, it is clear to see that some people believe that
children
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 being involved in
group
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activities
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 is most beneficial.
Others
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Linking Words
however
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, however
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,
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think that
children
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 benefit more from being alone. I believe that taking part in
group
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activites
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activities
 is more beneficial than doing
activities
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 alone.

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task response
You answer both views and give your own view. Make your own view stronger by saying why group work is better, not only that it is better.
task response
Some points need more care. For example, working alone does not mean that a child should never ask for help. Explain that it can help children think for themselves, while they can still ask for help when needed.
task response
Use more real examples. Instead of saying children may become managers, give an example such as a child planning a game alone, or working with a team in a sports club.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an end. This makes it easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Link your ideas more smoothly. Do not use 'For example' after every point. You can also use words like 'As a result', 'In this way', and 'However'.
coherence and cohesion
Keep each main point close to its example. In a few places, the example repeats the main point instead of showing it. Add one more sentence to explain how the example proves your idea.
coherence and cohesion
Be careful with repeated words such as 'Firstly', 'Secondly', and 'Finally'. They are useful, but too many can make the writing sound like a list.
task response
You discuss both group activities and time alone, and you clearly state your own view in the end.
coherence and cohesion
Each body part has a clear main idea, so the reader can understand the two sides of the topic.
coherence and cohesion
The opening tells the reader what the essay will do, and the final part gives a clear summary and your view.
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