IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The bar chart shows the difficulties people have when they move to a new country and how the problems vary according to people’s ages.

The bar chart shows the difficulties people have when they move to a new country and how the problems vary according to people’s ages.
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The greatest problem for young
people
Use synonyms
 aged 18 to 34 is managing
budget
Correct article usage
the budget
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, a problem experienced by 34
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
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 of the
people
Use synonyms
 in
this
Linking Words
age
Use synonyms
 group.
However
Linking Words
, only 29
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 of
people
Use synonyms
 over 55 face financial
problems
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. Both of the older
age
Use synonyms
 groups find it hard to deal with health
problems
Use synonyms
, with approximately 37
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
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. In comparison, the youngest
age
Use synonyms
 group finds
this
Linking Words
 easier, and the percentage who have
problems
Use synonyms
 taking care of their health is lower, at 32
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
,’
In contrast
Linking Words
 to their healthcare difficulties, only 2
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 of
people
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 in the oldest
age
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 group have trouble with their children’s education.
However
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 figure is much higher in parents aged 35 to 54 who struggle to find suitable schools, at 19
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
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. In general, all
age
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 groups experience the same
problems
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 to some extent, but the percentage of middle
age
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people
Use synonyms
 who find health care difficult is much higher than the others.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however".
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Basic structure: Change the first paragraph.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words people, percent, age, problems with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Only 4 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the first paragraph.
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