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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The bar chart below shows the Percentage of Australian man and woman in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010 Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features,and make comparisons where relevant.

The bar chart below shows the Percentage of Australian man and woman in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010 Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features,and make comparisons where relevant.
The bar chart demonstrates
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
the
percentage
Use synonyms
 of Australian
mens
Correct your spelling
men
men's
 and women who did
regular
Add an article
the regular
a regular
show examples
 physical activity of different
age
Use synonyms
 groups in 2010. It’s interesting to the bar chart.
Overall
Linking Words
,
Males
Use synonyms
 experienced a downward trend,
while
Linking Words
 females showed an upward trend throughout the period. Both
Use synonyms
males
Change noun form
male's
males'
show examples
 and
females
Change noun form
females'
female's
show examples
percentage
Use synonyms
 rates had some fluctuations.
Although
Linking Words
males
Use synonyms
initially
Linking Words
 had a lower rate,it outraced
males
Use synonyms
of
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the end of
Add an article
the
show examples
period.
Use synonyms
Percentage
Correct article usage
The percentage
show examples
 of
males
Use synonyms
 was about 52.8% in the
age
Use synonyms
 group
ofr
Correct your spelling
of
for
 15to24,
being
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
 higher than
Correct article usage
the female’s
show examples
female’s
Change noun form
female
show examples
 rate
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
. Approximately 5.1%.
Then
Linking Words
 it
decrease
Change the verb form
decreases
show examples
 to almost 42.2% in the
age
Use synonyms
 group of 25to34.
However
Linking Words
, the figure showed a gradual decrease to about 39.5% at the
age
Use synonyms
 of 35to44 but in
Linking Words
next
Correct article usage
the next
show examples
level
Use synonyms
 it roses
upto
Correct your spelling
up to
show examples
 43.1% in
45
Correct article usage
the 45
show examples
-54
age
Use synonyms
 group and continued to incline steadily to the end of
period
Add an article
the period
show examples
,reaching around 45.1% at the
age
Use synonyms
 of 55to64 and hitting the high point of about 46.7% in the
age
Use synonyms
 of 65 and over.
Use synonyms
Percentage
Correct article usage
The percentage
show examples
 of
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 was less than 50% at the
age
Use synonyms
 of 15to24. In
Linking Words
next
Correct article usage
the next
show examples
level
Use synonyms
,it roses
upto
Correct your spelling
up to
 48.9%
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the
age
Use synonyms
 of 25to34.During
Linking Words
next
Correct article usage
the next
show examples
 three
age
Use synonyms
 of
Use synonyms
level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
show examples
,it
reahes
Correct your spelling
reaches
 hitting the high point of about 52.5,53.3 and 53% at the
age
Use synonyms
 of 35to44, 45to54 and 55to64 respectively but for the
next
Linking Words
level
Use synonyms
,it
outracing
Wrong verb form
outraces
show examples
 the rate of
males
Use synonyms
 whose doing regular physical activity.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "next".
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Contractions: Don't use contractions.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words percentage, age, males, level with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "showed" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "trend" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decrease" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 4 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Percentage
  • Age groups
  • Regular physical activity
  • Trend
  • Comparison
  • Gender difference
  • Proportion
  • Participation rate
  • Exercise
  • Physical fitness
  • Observation
  • Likely causes
  • Activity levels
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