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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The table shows different age group with different sector jobs in the uk.

The table shows different age group with different sector jobs in the uk.
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The table represents the data about how many
people
Use synonyms
 in different
age
Use synonyms
 groups
working
Wrong verb form
worked
show examples
 in job sectors in the UK between 1998 and 2006.
Overall
Linking Words
, the highest
number
Use synonyms
 of
people
Use synonyms
 worked in the technology field,
while
Linking Words
 only a few
people
Use synonyms
involved
Add a missing verb
were involved
show examples
 in that
sector
Use synonyms
 in 1998. Now, turning to the details, in the hotel and catering, most of the
workers
Use synonyms
 used to be much younger in 1998, and they were under 26 calculated 25 & 64. In 2006, the majority of
workers
Use synonyms
 were under 46, counted
21,303
Change preposition
as 21,303
show examples
.
While
Linking Words
 only 7544
people
Use synonyms
 over 46 used to be worked in hotel and catering service.
Similarly
Linking Words
, the majority of
workers
Use synonyms
 were junior in the building
sector
Use synonyms
, they were counted
112,565
Change preposition
at 112,565
show examples
 in 1998,
while
Linking Words
 the
number
Use synonyms
 decreased dramatically in 2006. In every
age
Use synonyms
, the
number
Use synonyms
 of
people
Use synonyms
worked
Wrong verb form
working
show examples
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
building and construction in 1998, decreased in 2006. It can be seen that technology was the popular job
sector
Use synonyms
 among the
age
Use synonyms
 group 26-35. In 1998, 63889
people
Use synonyms
 would work in technology,
while
Linking Words
 the amount rose significantly
at
Change preposition
to
show examples
 454,375 in 2006, and
this
Linking Words
 was the
sector
Use synonyms
 where the highest
number
Use synonyms
 of
workers
Use synonyms
involved
Add a missing verb
was involved
show examples
 in comparison to other sectors. In 1998, the almost same
number
Use synonyms
 of
people
Use synonyms
 chose to work in the education
sector
Use synonyms
 in
36
Correct article usage
the 36
show examples
-45 and 46-56
age
Use synonyms
 groups, and there was not that significant change in 2006.
Although
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
used
Correct pronoun usage
who used
show examples
 to like to work in education who were over 56.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words people, age, number, sector, workers with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decreased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "significantly" was used 2 times.
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