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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The pie graphs below show the result of a survey of children's activities. The first graph shows the cultural and leisure activities that boys participate in, whereas the second graph shows the activities in which the girls participate.

The pie graphs below show the result of a survey of children's activities. The first graph shows the cultural and leisure activities that boys participate in, whereas the second graph shows the activities in which the girls participate.
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The above pie chart graphs
illustrates
Change the verb form
illustrate
show examples
 the percentage of boys and girls
who’s
Unnecessary verb
who
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 participated in six different types of cultural and leisure activities.
Firstly
Linking Words
, both boys and girls participated in three similar types of
games
Use synonyms
 including Listening
Use synonyms
music
Change preposition
to music
show examples
, Reading and Computer
games
Use synonyms
. The individual
ration
Correct your spelling
ratio
show examples
 in listening
Use synonyms
music
Change preposition
to music
show examples
 was similar in both.
However
Linking Words
,
rest
Correct article usage
the rest
show examples
 of the two
games
Use synonyms
 showed
different
Add an article
the different
a different
show examples
percentage
Fix the agreement mistake
percentages
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 of participants for these two groups.
Secondly
Linking Words
,
high
Change the article
a high
the high
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 number of boys’ participated in computer
games
Use synonyms
 that showed they had
greater
Add an article
a greater
show examples
interest
Use synonyms
 in
such
Linking Words
kind
Fix the agreement mistake
kinds
show examples
 of
games
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
,
there
Correct your spelling
their
show examples
 least
interest
Use synonyms
 was in Reading with
2
Correct article usage
a 2
show examples
% ratio only. The other activities in which they participated were basketball, soccer, listening
Use synonyms
music
Change preposition
to music
show examples
 and skateboarding.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, Most of the girls’ participated in dancing with
peak
Correct article usage
a peak
show examples
interest
Use synonyms
 in dancing.
However
Linking Words
,
there
Correct your spelling
their
show examples
 least
interest
Use synonyms
 was in Listening
Use synonyms
Music
Change preposition
to Music
show examples
 with 10%
individuals
Change preposition
of individuals
show examples
 only.
Few
Correct article usage
A few
show examples
 other activities in which girls took
Use synonyms
interest
Correct article usage
an interest
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 were Netball, Gymnastics, Computer
Games
Use synonyms
 and Reading. In summary, boys’ and girls’ participated in six types of
games
Use synonyms
 out of which three were similar for both. The participant ratio for each game was different except
Listening
Change preposition
for Listening
show examples
Music
Use synonyms
 with 10%.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however".
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Contractions: Don't use contractions.
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Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words games, music, interest with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "showed" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "ratio" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • survey
  • cultural activities
  • leisure activities
  • participate
  • percentage
  • gender difference
  • similar participation rates
  • traditional gender roles
  • trends
  • impact
  • parental influence
  • extracurricular activities
  • accessible
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