The pie graphs below show the result of a survey of children's activities. The first graph shows the cultural and leisure activities that boys participate in, whereas the second graph shows the activities in which the girls participate.
The above pie chart graphs
illustrates
the percentage of boys and girls Change the verb form
illustrate
who’s
participated in six different types of cultural and leisure activities.
Unnecessary verb
who
Firstly
, both boys and girls participated in three similar types of games
including Listening music
, Reading and Computer Change preposition
to music
games
. The individual ration
in listening Correct your spelling
ratio
music
was similar in both. Change preposition
to music
However
, rest
of the two Correct article usage
the rest
games
showed different
Add an article
the different
a different
percentage
of participants for these two groups.
Fix the agreement mistake
percentages
Secondly
, high
number of boys’ participated in computer Change the article
a high
the high
games
that showed they had greater
Add an article
a greater
interest
in such
kind
of Fix the agreement mistake
kinds
games
. However
, there
least Correct your spelling
their
interest
was in Reading with 2
% ratio only. The other activities in which they participated were basketball, soccer, listening Correct article usage
a 2
music
and skateboarding.
Change preposition
to music
On the other hand
, Most of the girls’ participated in dancing with peak
Correct article usage
a peak
interest
in dancing. However
, there
least Correct your spelling
their
interest
was in Listening Music
with 10% Change preposition
to Music
individuals
only. Change preposition
of individuals
Few
other activities in which girls took Correct article usage
A few
interest
were Netball, Gymnastics, Computer Correct article usage
an interest
Games
and Reading.
In summary, boys’ and girls’ participated in six types of games
out of which three were similar for both. The participant ratio for each game was different except Listening
Change preposition
for Listening
Music
with 10%.Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however".
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Contractions: Don't use contractions.
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Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words games, music, interest with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "showed" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "ratio" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
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