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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
The provided bar chart illustrates the data of Australian
men
Use synonyms
 and women doing regular exercises across six
age
Use synonyms
groups
Use synonyms
 in the year
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
2010. In general, there are relatively more Australian women were more dominant in
to have
Change the verb form
having
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 regular
workout
Fix the agreement mistake
workouts
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working
Correct word choice
and working
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 out regularly than Australian
men
Use synonyms
. The
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
 of 45 -54 was the most active
group
Use synonyms
 among women,
while
Linking Words
 the
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
 of 15-24 was the most active
group
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 among
men
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.
Besides
Linking Words
 the male
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
 of 15-24, almost all the female
age
Use synonyms
groups
Use synonyms
 were more active than
men
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 in all other
age
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groups
Use synonyms
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
age
Use synonyms
groups
Use synonyms
. Interestingly, among the female, the middle
age
Use synonyms
groups
Use synonyms
 were the most active ones in doing exercises working out. that 53.5% and 53% demonstrated in the
age
Use synonyms
groups
Use synonyms
 of 45-54 and 55-64 respectively.
Also
Linking Words
,
However
Linking Words
, the youngest and eldest female
groups
Use synonyms
 showed a low level of doing exercise on a regular basis which stood at approximately 47%. In stark contrast, among the male, the teenage
group
Use synonyms
 (15-24
age
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group
Use synonyms
) did the highest level of sports working out, and it was
the
Remove the article
apply
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they were the only
group
Use synonyms
 that
has
Unnecessary verb
apply
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had over 50%. The two
less
Correct quantifier usage
apply
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least active
groups
Use synonyms
 belonged to 25-34 and 35-44, the record stood at merely nearly 42.2% and 39.5% respectively. The activity level of the latter
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
 is
has
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
approximately 10% less than that of
female
Add an article
the female
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group
Use synonyms
.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words men, age, groups, group with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "stood" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "approximately" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Percentage
  • Australian men
  • Australian women
  • Age groups
  • Regular physical activity
  • Participated
  • Increased
  • Decreased
  • Proportion
  • Physically active
  • Gender difference
  • Engaged
  • Exercise
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