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Band 4

In some countries it is now illegal to reject someone applying for a job because of his or her age. Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

#countries #someone #job #age #development
As unemployment
Correct word choice
Unemployment
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 has become
the
Correct article usage
a
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 major global issue and arising on
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 daily basis. In a few countries, it's been legal for
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 person of any age to apply for a job and the companies cannot decline their application just because of their age. I completely think it
as
Correct your spelling
is
show examples
 a positive development and I would like to discuss
about
Remove the preposition
apply
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the
Change the word
its
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 positive impacts
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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in the following paragraphs.
Firstly
, the jobless will get more opportunities to get a new job. As the proportion of jobless people is increasing drastically,
however
, through
this
 law, there would be more chances for them to get a new working job, which will directly lower the percentage of crimes, because crimes are mostly done by the jobless and frustrated person.
Also
, it will directly lead to the nation's development because as
the
Correct article usage
apply
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more people
will
Verb problem
apply
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get hired by
the
Correct article usage
apply
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multinational companies
more
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apply
show examples
it will affect
GDP
Correct article usage
the GDP
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 of
respective
Add an article
the respective
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 country, which will result in the growth of both the individual and constituency.
For example
, BANGLADESH has applied
this
 law,
due to
 which their youth and
older
Add an article
the older
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 generation are getting
occupation
Fix the agreement mistake
occupations
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 and it produced a tremendous outcome because BANGLADESH has become one of the
powerful
Correct quantifier usage
most powerful
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country
Change to a plural noun
countries
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 in the ASIA.
Hence
,
removal
Correct article usage
the removal
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 of
such
 laws is necessary to build in
the
Change the article
a
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 positive way.
Secondly
, there would be the rise of rivalry between the redundant population.
Competition
 will force them to work hard to achieve the goal of their life because
such
race
Correct article usage
a race
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 produces extraordinary talents, which may lead the nation to a very high level.
Also
, the literacy rate will
get
Verb problem
be
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 affected in increasing order and they will get
attention
Add an article
the attention
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 of other countries to invest in them.
For example
, KERALA one of the most literate
state
Change to a plural noun
states
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 of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
INDIA, is the main targeted place for many corporate sectors to establish their factories and offices
there
Rephrase
apply
show examples
.
Thus
,
competition
 is necessary in
every one's
Replace the word
everyone's
show examples
 life to produce good results. In conclusion, there should be
availability
Add an article
the availability
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 of placement for any age group because it would
be resulting
Wrong verb form
result
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 in
the
Correct article usage
a
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 decrease in the unemployment rate and
also
, there would be
hike
Add an article
a hike
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of
Change preposition
in
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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competition
 and to touch the peak of the goal of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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life,
competition
 is required.
Due to
which
Correct pronoun usage
this
show examples
, the prohibition of
such
 codes is beneficial.

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coherence and cohesion
The introduction and conclusion need to be clearer and more focused, with a stronger explanation of the writer's opinion
task achievement
The main points need to be better structured and supported with relevant examples. Task achievement should be improved by providing a more complete and clearer response to the question

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • age discrimination
  • inclusive workplace
  • workplace diversity
  • workforce experience
  • equality in hiring
  • age-related stereotypes
  • demographic changes
  • economic growth
  • social security systems
  • consumer spending
  • non-discriminatory policies
  • bias
  • fair practices
  • retirement age
  • intergenerational collaboration
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