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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features,and make comparisons where relevant.

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features,and make comparisons where relevant.
The bar chart provides the information about Australian male and female unique
age
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
group
Fix the agreement mistake
groups
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 who perform exercise on a daily basis in 2010.
Overall
Linking Words
, it has been noted that the
percentage
Use synonyms
 of Men' s
workout
Fix the agreement mistake
workouts
show examples
 has
been
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
decreased,
also
Linking Words
 the women's
percentage
Use synonyms
experience
Wrong verb form
experienced
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 a slight decline in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
physical activity. The
age
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group
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 from 15 to 24 and 65 and above
maintains
Change the verb form
maintain
show examples
 the same
percentage
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 of women
workout
Correct your spelling
work out
show examples
with
Change preposition
at
show examples
 47.7
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 and 47.1
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 respectively.
While
Linking Words
 the woman with 25 to 34
years
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 of
age
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 has 48.9%.
Linking Words
However
Add a comma
,However
show examples
 the steady increment in the exercise
rate
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 can be noted as 52.5
Use synonyms
percentage
Replace the word
per cent
show examples
with
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the
age
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group
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in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
between 35 to 44
years
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 of
age
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. The female population of 45 to 54
years
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 of
age
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 and from 55 to 64
years
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 of
age
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 has almost the same
rate
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 of physical work with 53.3% and 53%.
Total
Correct article usage
A total
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 of 52.8% of
Use synonyms
rate
Correct article usage
the rate
show examples
 was shown by the male
group
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 whose
age
Use synonyms
 was
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
between 15 to 24.
Linking Words
However
Add a comma
,However
show examples
 the
percentage
Use synonyms
 had come down to the point with
5
Correct article usage
a 5
show examples
%
declination
Replace the word
decline
show examples
rate
Use synonyms
 for 65
years
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 above people. There is a fluctuation of
percentage
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 between the
age
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group
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 with 42.2 %, 39.5% and 43.1% for the
age
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 interval from 25 to 34,35 to 44
years
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 and from 45 to 54
years
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 of
age
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. There is a gradual increase of 2% for the
age
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group
Use synonyms
 of 55 to 64.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words age, group, percentage, years, rate with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 6 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Percentage
  • Australian men
  • Australian women
  • Age groups
  • Regular physical activity
  • Participated
  • Increased
  • Decreased
  • Proportion
  • Physically active
  • Gender difference
  • Engaged
  • Exercise
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