IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 2.5

Many parents are unhappy with the amount of violence in video games, television programs, and other leisure activities. How harmful could this be to children? What could be done to solve this problem?

#parents #amount #violence #video #games #television #programs #leisure #activities #be #children
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there
Suggestion
There
 is no scepticism the violence related with tv programs
,
Accept space
,
 video games and other entertainment activities can affect our children
adversly
in an adverse manner
adversely
.
Firstly
Linking Words
.
the
Suggestion
The
 detail shows on news channels full of violence
.
Accept space
.
they
Suggestion
They
 show even minute detail of crime how it has
hapened
come to pass
happened
.
Linking Words
as
Suggestion
As
 a result
,
Accept space
,
 it
create
Suggestion
creates
 a fear in
children
Suggestion
children's
 minds and sometimes become a cause of
Use synonyms
life time phobia
Suggestion
the life time phobia
.
Linking Words
secondly
Suggestion
Secondly
, by playing
vidoe
the visible part of a television transmission
video
 games they cannot understand
difference
Suggestion
the difference
 between real and virtual world. To elaborate, they get so many chances of
life
Use synonyms
 in
games but
Accept comma addition
games, but
 not possible in a real world.
Linking Words
for
Suggestion
For
 instance, crossing red
life
Use synonyms
 and accident with
othr
any of various alternatives; some other
another
other
 car are normal in
games hoewever
Accept comma addition
games, however
games however
, it can be
life
Use synonyms
 talking in reality on roads..
Linking Words
furthermore
in addition
Furthermore
,
Accept space
,
these kind of acts can lead to issues related
with
Suggestion
to
 aggressive behaviour,.
Linking Words
for
Suggestion
For
example watching
Accept comma addition
example, watching
wwe
plural of "I"
we
 fights can instill sentiments of revenge and win at any cost.
Linking Words
this
Suggestion
This
 type development can be responsible for juvenile delinquency.
Although
Linking Words
 finding a solution of
this
Linking Words
 problem is an
ardous
characterized by effort to the point of exhaustion; especially physical effort
arduous
 task.
since
Suggestion
Since
main reason
Suggestion
the main reason
 of
this
Linking Words
 problem if how much time they spend on tv.
parents
Suggestion
Parents
 should
intervane
get involved, so as to alter or hinder an action, or through force or threat of force
intervene
 to reduce screen timing of
childrenand
Suggestion
children and
 exhort them to spend more time of
constuctive
constructing or tending to construct or improve or promote development
constructive
 developments
,
Accept space
,
includind
have as a part, be made up out of
including
, reading, outdoor sport and other physical activity. if parents comperhend the negative aspect of
this
Linking Words
 occurance, will automaticaaly undersatable by children , too
Submitted by bhawnaj7 on

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Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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