The graph shows the percentage of male and female academic staff members across the faculties of a major university in 2012.

The graph shows the percentage of male and female academic staff members across the faculties of a major university in 2012.
The graph provides
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
information about the
percentage
of the academic staff in faculties, of a major university by gender, in 2012.
Overall
,
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
experienced a downward trend,
while
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
showed an upward trend throughout the period. Both
gender's
Fix the agreement mistake
genders'
show examples
percentage
rates had fluctuations.
Although
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
initially
had a lower
percentage
rate
, it attracted female's
rate
at the end
of the period.
Correct article usage
The Female's
show examples
Female's
Change noun form
Female
show examples
staff
percentage
rate
was about 56% in arts, being higher than the male's
percentage
rate
percentage
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
rate
by approximately 12%.
Then
it decreased to almost 35% in business. After that, it showed an incremental of about 75% in education
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
and continued to decline in engineering, reaching around 15%.
However
, the figure experienced a steady increase during the
next
two
faculty
. It increases to 40% in law and 52% in medicine.
At the end
of the period, it again experienced a decrease of about 36%, being lower than the male's
percentage
ratespercentage
Correct your spelling
rates percentage
rate percentage
ratepercentage
Correct your spelling
rate percentage
ratespercentage
Correct your spelling
rates percentage
rate percentage
rate
Fix the agreement mistake
rates
show examples
.
Male's
Change noun form
Male
show examples
percentage
of academic staff members across the faculties was less than 50% in arts, and it increased in business
around
Change preposition
by around
show examples
65%. In the education
faculty
, it experienced a high decline of about 25%,
being
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
lower than the female's
percentage
rate
of approximately 50%,
continued
Correct word choice
and continued
show examples
to increase in engineering by around 85%, being higher than
the
Remove the article
apply
show examples
any other
faculty
.
However
, the figure experienced a steady decline during the
next
two
faculty
. It decreases to 60% in law,
then
decreased by around 48% in medicine and it continued to increase in science
faculty
by around 64%, outracing the
rate
of
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "at the end, however, next".
Common mistake: Your writing should be 150-250 words.
Vocabulary: Replace the words percentage, rate, faculty with synonyms.
Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
Vocabulary: The word "showed" was used 2 times.
Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 9 times.
Vocabulary: The word "trend" was used 2 times.
Vocabulary: The word "decline" was used 3 times.
Vocabulary: The word "decreased" was used 4 times.
Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 5 times.
Vocabulary: The word "approximately" was used 2 times.
Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 5 times.
Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 5 times.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: