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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The charts below show proportion of British students at one university in England who were able to speak other languages in addition English, in 2000 and 2010.

The charts below show proportion of British students at one university in England who were able to speak other languages in addition English, in 2000 and 2010.
#show #proportion #british #students #university #england #languages #addition #english
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The given pie charts provide information about
Use synonyms
proportion
Add an article
the proportion
show examples
 of
students
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 at a university in England that could speak in
other
Change the wording
another language
other languages
show examples
language
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beside
Replace the word
besides
show examples
 English in
two
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difference
Replace the word
different
show examples
 years. In general, we can see that most of
Use synonyms
students
Add an article
the students
show examples
 were able to speak in Spanish at that university in 2000 and 2010.
In addition
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, we can
also
Linking Words
 view that
less
Change the quantifier
fewer
show examples
students
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 could speak
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
two
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 other languages. Beginning with the German
language
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 , we can observe that
this
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language
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 had increased
5
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by 5
show examples
%
until
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from
show examples
 2000 to 2010 at university.
Moreover
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,
Students
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 were able to progress their Spanish
language
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 so
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proportion
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the proportion
a proportion
show examples
 of them had risen from 30% to 35%
amongst
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over
show examples
two
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 years. It is
also
Linking Words
 worth noting that
although
Linking Words
 15
proportion
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 of
students
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 could speak
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
French in 2000
however
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 in 2010 they had already gone down to 0%. Moving on to the no other
language
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 , we can
also
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 witness that
proportion
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 of
students
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 who were not able to speak in
other
Change the wording
another language
other languages
show examples
language
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beside
Replace the word
besides
show examples
 English
have
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
reduced from 20% to 10% between 2000 and 2010.
Next
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 , when it comes to
the
Remove the article
apply
show examples
another
Correct quantifier usage
other
show examples
language
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 we can
also
Linking Words
 notice that
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proportion
Correct article usage
the proportion
show examples
 of
students
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 who could speak in another
language
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have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 increased
till
Change preposition
from
show examples
 15% to 20% from 2000 to 2010.
Finally
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, we can mention that
proportion
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 of speaking
two
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 other
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language
Fix the agreement mistake
languages
show examples
students
Use synonyms
 had
also
Linking Words
 risen from 10% to 15%
among
Change preposition
between
show examples
 2000 and 2010.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "also".
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words proportion, students, language, two with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 6 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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