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Writing Samples
Band 6

The pie charts provide information about percentage of purchase in British schools in 1981 , 1991 and 2001.

The pie charts provide information about percentage of purchase in British schools in 1981 , 1991 and 2001.
#information #percentage #purchase #british #schools
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The given pie charts illustrate
Use synonyms
proportion
Add an article
the proportion
show examples
 of spending in some UK schools in three different years. In general, we can see that teachers’
salaries
Use synonyms
 always were top position. In the
meantime
Add a comma
,meantime
show examples
 we can
also
Linking Words
 view insurance as
bottom
Add an article
a bottom
the bottom
show examples
 point. Beginning with spending
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 1981 and 1991 we can observe that
firstly
Linking Words
 teachers’
salaries
Use synonyms
 were spent 40% in 1981,
however
Linking Words
Add the comma(s)
,
show examples
they
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
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rose by 10% in
Linking Words
next
Correct article usage
the next
show examples
 decade.
Secondly
Linking Words
Add a comma
,
show examples
other workers’
salaries
Use synonyms
 were paid virtually over 20% in the both of years.
Linking Words
Finally
Add a comma
,Finally
show examples
 we can
also
Linking Words
 witness that Resources e.g books and Furniture or equipment were utilized approximately between 5% and 20% in those years. Moving on to
Use synonyms
proportion
Correct article usage
the proportion
show examples
 spending of
2001
Change preposition
in 2001
show examples
 we can see that they spent 45%
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 teachers’
salaries
Use synonyms
. It is
also
Linking Words
 worth notice
Use synonyms
proportion
Correct article usage
the proportion
show examples
 of Insurance and Resources books spending
were
Correct subject-verb agreement
was
show examples
 virtually the same ( 8% by 9%) .
Next
Linking Words
 , when it comes to other workers’
salaries
Use synonyms
 we can
also
Linking Words
 view that
Use synonyms
proportion
Correct article usage
the proportion
show examples
 of spending was reduced
up
Change preposition
by up
show examples
 to 10% in 2001.
Linking Words
Additionally
Add a comma
,Additionally
show examples
 they spent 23% on Furniture and equipment in 2001.
Submitted by mikayil.bayramov15 on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "also, next".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words proportion, salaries with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Only 6 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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