IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some businesses now say that no-one can smoke cigarettes in any of their offices. Some governments have banned smoking in all public places. Do you agree or disagree with this?

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The importance and popularity of smoking
Use synonyms
area
Fix the agreement mistake
areas
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 have grown over the past few years. Experts throughout developing and developed worlds have debated whether smoking in
a
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apply
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public
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area
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areas
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 should be restricted or not. Personally,
i
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I
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 strongly advocate the former view.
However
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, both sides of
this
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 issue will be examined in the following essay. On the
one
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 hand, there are three essential positive sides of
banned
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banning
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 smoking in public
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area
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areas
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. The most significant
one
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 would be a health issue. An extensive study by
renowned
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a renowned
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 university has illustrated that not only the smokers' health
,
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apply
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 but
also
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 the non-smokers' health will be deteriorated because non-smokers receive indirect impact.
Furthermore
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, pollution has played an important role in our lives.
One
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 of the crucial
cause
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causes
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 results from
smoke
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the smoke
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 of cigarettes.
Hence
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, the increase of global warming will harm both human life and wildlife,
comparison
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comparing
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this
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 situation to the proverbial canary in the coal mine.
Last
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 but not least,
cigarette
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the cigarette
a cigarette
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 is
one
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 type of
addicted
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addictive
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 drug that would shorten
the
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a
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 person's life. When the death rate from smoking rose, resulted in
lack
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a lack
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 of country's labour and
decrease
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a decrease
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the
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in the
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 country's GDP.
On the other hand
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,
although
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 there are ample benefits in restricted smoking
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area
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areas
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, its multifold disagreements cannot be denied. First and
the
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apply
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foremost, deviation
of
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from
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 smokers' rights is the often argument.
Due to
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 the fact that everyone has the right to do something,
thus
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 they will use
this
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 kind of claim to argue the agreement of banned smoking
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area
Fix the agreement mistake
areas
show examples
. Another disagreement that should be taken into consideration is that nicotine -
ingredient
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an ingredient
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 of cigarettes - would help to reduce the stress level from working hard.
To conclude
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 from
aforementioned
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the aforementioned
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 arguments,
i
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I
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 obviously believe that its advantages in determining the smoking
area
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 would outweigh its disadvantages.

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Task Achievement
Your introduction provides a clear opinion but could benefit from refining your thesis statement to restate your main points more explicitly.
Task Achievement
In the body paragraphs, ensure that each main point is clearly delineated and supported with relevant examples. The arguments could be strengthened with more specific data or studies to reinforce your claims.
Coherence and Cohesion
Consider ensuring smoother transitions between ideas in paragraphs to improve the logical flow of your essay. For instance, phrases that indicate contrast or continuation could enhance clarity.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your use of complex sentences is good, but be cautious with grammatical structures, especially subject-verb agreement and punctuation. Proofreading for typos can enhance the overall impression of your writing quality.
Task Achievement
You clearly state your position on the topic, which is essential for a persuasive essay.
Task Achievement
Your essay presents a balanced view by addressing both sides of the argument, which demonstrates critical thinking.
Task Achievement
You effectively outline the health implications of smoking, which is a compelling point in your argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • public health
  • second-hand smoke
  • respiratory diseases
  • healthcare costs
  • productivity
  • fire hazards
  • environmental advantages
  • aesthetics
  • non-smokers
  • personal freedom
  • well-being
  • smoking bans
What to do next:
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