IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

As an international student in Sweden, you have an account with a local bank. The monthly bank transfer you receive from your parents has been delayed this month due to an error at your parents’ bank. Write a letter to your bank. In your letter: introduce yourself and ask for a loan say why you need the money tell how you intend to pay back the money

Dear Sir, I am writing
this
Linking Words
 letter in
regards
Fix the agreement mistake
regard
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 to applying for a student loan as my
saving
Fix the agreement mistake
savings
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 and momentum account is associated with your Scotia bank. My name is Peter
parker
Fix capitalization
Parker
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 and
having
Wrong verb form
I have
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 an Account number 437-9987 in the downtown branch with no bad credits and
clean
Correct article usage
a clean
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 record. Once you go through my account, you will be able to see international transactions of money transfer from
home
Correct article usage
the home
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 country every month since 2 years
back
Rephrase
apply
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, which didn't show up in the current month. Needless to say, being a
student
Punctuation problem
student,
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 it's really hard to manage expenses in a foreign country with
part-time
Correct article usage
a part-time
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 work allowance. As you know,
In
Fix capitalization
in
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 the winter and bad weather conditions
Punctuation problem
, mostly
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mostly
Use the right word
most
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 companies gradually decrease their workforce and only keep permanent employees
in
Change preposition
during
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a
Correct article usage
the
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 slow period of work. Meanwhile, Money transfer from parents is the only fund to survive and pay expenses
such
Linking Words
 as rent, utilities and transit pass. I assume you fathom
at
Change preposition
apply
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the contemporary time and issue the loan amount of $1500 with sufficient time to pay back. I am committed to
return
Wrong verb form
returning
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 the money as soon as I receive funds from my home and
error
Correct article usage
the error
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get
Correct subject-verb agreement
gets
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 sorted
so
Punctuation problem
, so
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,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 I can stay loyal and avoid bankruptcy in any scenario. Please feel free to call me at 578790 if you need any
detail
Fix the agreement mistake
details
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 and possible negotiation on the interest rate of the total loan amount
so
Punctuation problem
, so
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 I can pay
all
Correct pronoun usage
it all
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 in 3 months. Yours faithfully peter

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coherence and cohesion
Try to organize your points more clearly. Each paragraph should have one main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Add a direct greeting and closing formula to make the letter more polite.
task response
Mention how you will ensure to pay on time every month or discuss how confident you are in your future funds.
task achievement
You explained clearly why you need the loan and your plan to pay it back.
task achievement
You have a polite tone throughout the letter.
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