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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The graph on the right shows the unemployment figures amongst women of different age groups. Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information shown.

The graph on the right shows the unemployment figures amongst women of different age groups. Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information shown.
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The graph shows the percentage of unemployed
women
Use synonyms
 at 8
ages
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. It can be clearly seen that the
ages
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 18 and 45 have the highest
unemployment
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 rate.
According to
Linking Words
 the graph, among the
Use synonyms
age
Replace the word
aged
show examples
 18, 20 ,25 and 35, the youngest
women
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 have the highest employment percentage (15%), 20 years-old
women
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 have an
unemployment
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 rate a few lower (about 10%), and
this
Linking Words
 percentage drops gradually until 35 years-old reaching the lowest point, there is only a slight increase in those aged 30, where the
unemployment
Use synonyms
 rate reaches 6
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 The peak value is recorded amongst 45 years-old
women
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, and all the remaining
ages
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 have
much
Add an article
a much
show examples
 lower value of
unemployment
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: 8% at
age
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 55 and 9% at
age
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 65.
To sum up
Linking Words
, the figures for most
ages
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 are relatively uniform and change from 5 to 9%, with rare exceptions
such
Linking Words
 as the
Use synonyms
age
Fix the agreement mistake
ages
show examples
 18 and 45.
Submitted by kwarts on

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Common mistake: Your writing should be 150-250 words.
Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words women, ages, unemployment, age with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "shows" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
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