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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.
The bar chart
ilustrates
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illustrates
 how much
Austrialian
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Australian
males
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 and
females
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 in various
age
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 groups did regular
sport
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 in 2010.
Overall
Linking Words
, what stands out from the graph
that
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is that
show examples
 the most
proportion
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 of
males
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 doing regular
phsical
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physical
 activity
were
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was
show examples
 experienced by 15 to 24
ages
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pages
show examples
 in 2010,
whereas
Linking Words
 the most popular
rate
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 of
females
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 it were registered
by
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in
show examples
45
Correct article usage
the 45
show examples
 to 54
age
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group
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.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the
rate
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 of
females
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 and
males
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 in
65
Correct article usage
the 65
show examples
 and over
age
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group
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 was approximately the same. As can be seen from the graph,
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proportion
Add an article
the proportion
show examples
 of
males
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 doing
sport
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 came top ranking with just above 52% in 15 to 24 in 2010, followed by 65 and over which has a
rate
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 of just under 47%.
However
Linking Words
, the most
rate
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 of
females
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 who did regular
phsical
Correct your spelling
physical
 activity
were
Change the verb form
was
show examples
 shown
by
Change preposition
in
show examples
45
Correct article usage
the 45
show examples
 to 54
age
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group
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, which
account
Correct subject-verb agreement
accounts
show examples
 for slightly over 53%.
Further
Linking Words
,
females
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 in
65
Correct article usage
the 65
show examples
 and over
age
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group
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 did the least physical activity
proportion
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, which
stand
Correct subject-verb agreement
stands
show examples
 at around 47%,
while
Linking Words
males
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 in
35
Correct article usage
the 35
show examples
 to 44
age
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group
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 did
sport
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 had the lowest
rate
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 of just under two-fifths.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
65
Correct article usage
the 65
show examples
 and over
age
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group
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males
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 and
females
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proportion
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 doing regular
sport
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 made up 46.7 and 47.1%
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respectively
respectivelt
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respectively
, which had roughly the same
proportion
Use synonyms

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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words males, females, age, sport, proportion, rate, group with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 5 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "stands" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "just under" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Physical activity
  • Regular exercise
  • Age demographics
  • Participation rate
  • Trend analysis
  • Gender disparity
  • Health initiatives
  • Public health policies
  • Statistical comparison
  • Lifestyle choices
  • Work commitments
  • Age-related factors
  • Preventative health
  • Exercise habits
  • Surveillance data
  • Motivators and barriers
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