IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

some people believe that women should be treated as equal to men when applying for a job with police or the military. other think women are less suitable for this kind of job. discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #women #men #job #police
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since people have few points as to whether
womens
Correct your spelling
women
show examples
 are suitable to do Field
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
 like
police
Use synonyms
aur
Correct word choice
apply
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military or not. Our school of thought reckons that
women
Use synonyms
 taking up employment sectors which were mainly
male dominated
Add a hyphen
male-dominated
show examples
while
Linking Words
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
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 considered that they are not suited for
police
Use synonyms
 or military forces.
This
Linking Words
 essay will not discuss both the
view points
Correct your spelling
viewpoints
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 but
also
Linking Words
 my own view perspective on the same in the subsequent paragraphs. To embark on, there are multiple reasons why
women
Use synonyms
 should
involve
Wrong verb form
be involved
show examples
 in forces. First of all,
women
Use synonyms
 are mentally and emotionally stronger than men.
Women
Use synonyms
 have
better
Correct article usage
a better
show examples
 quality
to know
Change preposition
of knowing
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the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
things carefully. They are not physically that strong but they can use their intelligence to join in military and
police
Use synonyms
 force. Second of all,
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
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are playing
Wrong verb form
play
show examples
 a great role in
Use synonyms
police
Add an article
the police
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 force.
For instance
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, Dr Kiran
bedi
Change the capitalization
Bedi
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 a retired IPS officer
of
Change preposition
in
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 India has decreased
crime
Correct article usage
the crime
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 rate significantly. she is
the
Correct article usage
a
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 living legend who has contributed a lot
for
Change preposition
to
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nation
Correct article usage
the nation
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. Nowadays,
women
Use synonyms
 are more concerned about protecting their nation so they do
physical
Add an article
a physical
show examples
 and mental exercise to get a part in it.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, some people think that
women
Use synonyms
 are not capable
to carry
Change preposition
of carrying
show examples
 out certain jobs
due to
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 various reasons. Primarily, physical strength is vital to
become
Wrong verb form
becoming
show examples
 a
police
Use synonyms
 officer or
join
Wrong verb form
joining
show examples
military
Correct article usage
the military
show examples
 and
women
Use synonyms
 have less stamina for
this
Linking Words
 kind of job.
For example
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,
while
Linking Words
 catching a thief law enforcement officer needs to run fast to get hold of the burglar.
Secondly
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, few
women
Use synonyms
 prefer to stay at home and look after their toddlers for
in laws
Add a hyphen
in-laws
show examples
where
Correct word choice
whereas
show examples
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
some
women
Use synonyms
are prefer
Change the verb form
prefer
show examples
 to do corporate jobs.
To conclude
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, I believe that both men and
women
Use synonyms
 are equally important to serve the nation as they have other traits and qualities that men do not possess.
Submitted by Hitesh Malik on

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task response
Task Response: The essay partially addresses the given topic, but the discussion lacks depth and fails to provide a balanced view. Ensure that all parts of the prompt are fully explored and that the essay presents a clear argument.
coherence cohesion
Coherence & Cohesion: The essay attempts to organize ideas in a logical sequence, and there is an evident introduction and conclusion. However, the ideas lack coherence, and the essay would benefit from better paragraph structure and more cohesive linking devices.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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