IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In many countries, an increase in crime rate has been blamed on violent images on television and in computer and video games. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

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It is argued by some that
crime
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 is becoming more prevalent
due to
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 exposure to
violence
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 displayed on TV and over computer
games
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. It is true that
such
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display
Correct article usage
a display
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 of
violence
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 could have negative psychological impacts,
however
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, I tend to think that poverty has contributed more to the increased number of crimes. On the one hand, most computer
games
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 and movies on TV contain violent scenes,
therefore
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 undeniably causing some intense psychological problems.
In other words
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, violent content may cause more aggressive cognition and anti-social
behavior
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behaviour
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, especially when its viewer is not an adult.
Because watching
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Watching
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violence
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 in
games
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 and on TV makes children believe that carrying out acts of aggression is not only easy but
also
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 acceptable to society.
Moreover
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, teenagers and adolescents are often on target in terms of video
games
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, in which they act as
an
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apply
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active
participant
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participants
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 rather than
a
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apply
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mere
viewer
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viewers
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. By getting exposed to explicit videos and
games
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,
the
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apply
show examples
young people are highly likely to try implementing some of these acts in real life,
such
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 as physically hurting their peers
to
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apply
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threating
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threatening
 with guns, or even injuring someone. Even though exposure to violent images can lead them to commit an illegal action,
this
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 factor cannot be linked to the increased
crime
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 rate. The foremost reason why people are committing more and more
crime
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 is that, in many countries, life under straitened circumstances has
been remaining
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remained
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 a major problem for several decades.
Firstly
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, unemployment is
root
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the root
a root
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 cause of most crimes since it exacerbates poverty. Two broad research programs
have been
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were
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 conducted on
crime
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last
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 year, both reaching the conclusion that over 70% of criminals had offended in order to earn money for their living.
Secondly
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, in many parts of the world, children do not have
an
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apply
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access even to elementary school. Given that it is far-fetched to expect an uneducated person to become proficient
in
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particular
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a particular
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 field, one will probably struggle to find a well-paid job unless they get quality education. Apart from those, not all countries can provide adequate job opportunities for their citizens, even for those who have attained a level of high education.
Finally
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, lacking money to fulfil basic necessities
such
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 as food,
cloth
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clothing
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 or
a
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apply
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decent housing, the poor are bound to steal or commit other serious crimes for their livelihood. In conclusion,
although
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violence
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on
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in
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 media and in computer
games
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 has
certain
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a certain
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 contribution to turning individuals into criminals,
this
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 is my view that criminality is rising
due to
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 poor living conditions.

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task achievement
Ensure to provide a more balanced discussion by explicitly acknowledging the opposing viewpoint in more detail.
coherence and cohesion
Improve the clarity of your conclusion by summarizing main points more clearly and firmly stating your position.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to use a wider range of linking words and phrases to enhance the flow of ideas between sentences and paragraphs.
task achievement
The essay presents a clear argument and supports it with relevant examples and logical reasoning.
coherence and cohesion
Good use of paragraphs to organize ideas, making it easy for the reader to follow your argument.

Word Count

IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.

A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.

Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • desensitize
  • aggressive behavior
  • psychological theories
  • Bandura's Social Learning Theory
  • conclusive scientific evidence
  • correlation
  • multi-factorial
  • socio-economic status
  • mental health
  • sole cause
  • outlet for aggression
  • teamwork
  • strategic thinking
  • counter-studies
  • awareness
  • violent media
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