IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that the government should fund music, dance and arts lessons for children. Others think that they should be funded by private businesses or by children's families. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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It is often believed by a few sections of society that the government should finance classes for music, dance and arts.
However
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, others believe that it must be the responsibility of the local organisations and parents of the children.
This
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 essay will discuss
the
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apply
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both sides of the argument and
then
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 I will present my own perspective which is that the governing bodies of the state should provide funds for these activities. On the one hand, it is often thought that the government should finance the art and cultural subjects
such
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 as music and dance for the students.
Firstly
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, the main reason for
this
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 is that they have more
resource
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resources
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 to fund the expensive
equipments
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equipment
types of equipment
pieces of equipment
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 needed to run the
top quality
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top-quality
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 classes.
Secondly
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, the other benefit of the
state funded
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state-funded
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 lesson is that it can help promote these subjects on a wider scale.
For example
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, many countries provide these lessons for free which
turn to benefit
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benefits
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 the highest number of talented people in
the
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apply
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society.
On the other hand
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,
according to
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 some people,
instead
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 of state funding, private businesses or children's families should fund these lessons. They believe that private funding is better because in that case teachers are more flexible and they can adapt the methods to the needs of the individual
and
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apply
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another advantage of private classes is the time and length of the lesson
is
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are
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 more flexible.
For instance
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, individual courses devote more time and
efforts
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effort
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 as compared to the courses available for free.
Moreover
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, they are usually either
one to one
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one-to-one
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 or individual so there are more chances for feedback and support.
Finally
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, in conclusion, I believe that the government should provide money for music, dance and arts
instead
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 of individual businesses or children's
family
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families
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 because they have more financial resources and to promote these
or
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on
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larger
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a larger
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scales
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scale
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.

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task response
The introduction does not clearly state the opinion on the topic. The conclusion is weak and does not summarize the main points effectively.
coherence and cohesion
The essay follows a logical structure, but the ideas are not always well-connected. There is a lack of clear progression of ideas and linking words.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • cultural development
  • socio-economic backgrounds
  • state-sponsored
  • national identity
  • heritage
  • preservation
  • cultural enrichment
  • creative expression
  • balanced education
  • specialized offerings
  • market demand
  • innovation
  • personal investment
  • commitment
  • learning experience
  • unequal access
  • hybrid approach
  • vibrant
  • equitable
  • arts ecosystem
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