IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Employment should give their staff at least a 4-week holiday a year to make employees better at their jobs. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

#employment #staff #-week #holiday #year #employees #jobs
The employers
Correct article usage
Employers
show examples
work
 hard to determine the
holiday
 allocations for their
employees
 in the contemporary workplace. Some people
claimed
Wrong verb form
claim
show examples
 that
staff
 should have
one-month
Correct article usage
a one-month
show examples
 break annually, and the merit of
this
 policy is obvious to help
staff
 release from high stress and endless tasks.
However
, from my point of view, I partly disagree
about
Change preposition
with
show examples
this
 statement. It is undeniable that the extended
holiday
 has some advantages to
motivate
Wrong verb form
motivating
show examples
staff
performing
Change the verb form
to perform
show examples
 better at
work
.
This
 is mainly because it provides more time for
employees
 to take care of themselves and their families, and it leads to a balance of
work
 and quality
life
Change preposition
of life
show examples
.
This
 results in higher life satisfaction among those
employees
. I believe that most of those
staff
 will appreciate the 4-week
holiday
. In return, those
staff
 will be willing to devote more of their attention
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the processing of their jobs.
On the other hand
, extending the length of the
holiday
 will
also
 cause some drawbacks, which may put a company at stake.
This
 is mainly because personnel are passive after a long period of a break since they are not doing their regular tasks
such
 as customer service and commercial communication.
In
Change preposition
As
show examples
 a result, the working environment is not effective, and it will definitely affect badly on the company’s achievements.
Furthermore
, small companies which contain few
staff
 and each of them is responsible for a certain position may likely cause
delay
Fix the agreement mistake
delays
show examples
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 projects if any employee is on a long leave. In the end,
this
 policy may lead to
economical
Replace the word
economic
show examples
 losses in
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 long run. In conclusion, even though the passive effects of a four-week
vocation
Correct your spelling
vacation
show examples
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 obvious in reducing
work
 stress from
employees
as well as
 motivating the
staff
 to do better at
work
. I
concern
Verb problem
am
show examples
 more
about
Correct word choice
concerned about
show examples
 the negative impacts of long vocations,
such
 as
destruction
Correct article usage
the destruction
show examples
 of the working environment when the
staff
 just
be
Verb problem
gets
show examples
 back from
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 long leave and
economical
Replace the word
economic
show examples
 losses if someone
were
Wrong verb form
is
show examples
 not on-site to complete the projects on time in small companies.
Submitted by fanganqi79 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Overall, the essay demonstrates a good logical structure, with clear introduction and conclusion. The main points are well supported but some examples could be more specific. However, the essay could have addressed the task requirements more comprehensively, providing a more thorough response to the prompt.
coherence cohesion
The essay shows a good level of coherence and cohesion, with clear progression of ideas and well-linked paragraphs. However, the use of specific examples could be improved to provide more depth to the arguments and make the essay more compelling.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: