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Band 4

nowadays, children watch a lot of TV and play video games. however, some people think that these activities are not good for a child's mental health. to what extend do you agree or disagree?

#children #tv #video #games #people #activities #child #health
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recent studies claim that
children
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 spend too much
time
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 on screens like
TV
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 and
video
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games
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.
while
Linking Words
 some believe that watching
TV
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 and playing
video
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games
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 can be excellent sources of education and entertainment, others are confident that much
screen
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time
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 can have a negative side effect on
mental
Correct article usage
the mental
show examples
 child condition. personally, I support those who believe that it is wise to monitor and limit
screen
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time
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 spent by young
children
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. first of all, watching
TV
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 and playing
video
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games
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 may trigger emotional and
behavioral
Change the spelling
behavioural
show examples
 issues. being trapped by these
activities
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kids
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 do not know how to socialise and how to express their feelings.
also
Linking Words
, they may follow examples of
TV
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 and
video
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 game characters.
for example
Linking Words
, some characters do not speak, just mumble.
Linking Words
as
Capitalize word
As
show examples
 a result,
this
Linking Words
 has a negative effect on a child's language
skill
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skills
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.
parents
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 should pay more attention to these issues and set limits to
TV
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 and
video
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games
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 so that
children
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 can spend
time
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 with friends and play
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
.
secondly
Linking Words
, excessive
TV
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 viewing and
video
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Use synonyms
games
Fix the agreement mistake
game
show examples
 playing have
shown
Add a missing verb
been shown
show examples
 to decrease attention and cognitive functioning. these
activities
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 may be damaging to
children
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's intelligence and mental problems.
this
Linking Words
 might result in poor academic performance. the latest
researches
Fix the agreement mistake
research
show examples
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
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 proven that
time
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 spent on screens
did
Wrong verb form
does
show examples
 not affect academic success,
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the opposite,
kids
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 who spend hours
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
watching
TV
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 and playing
video
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 do worse at school. other
activities
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 like reading should be a high priority for
parents
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 who wish to protect their
children
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 from worse grades at school.
as
Capitalize word
As
show examples
kids
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 may not understand the root causes of these problems, it is the responsibility of
parents
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 to find proper ways
how
Rephrase
apply
show examples
to involve their
kids
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 in other
activities
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 by setting a good personal example for their
kids
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. in conclusion, I agree with the opinion that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
activities
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, like watching
TV
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 and playing
video
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games
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 are not beneficial for young
children
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 in view of mental problems.
parents
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 should set limits and rules for
screen
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time
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.
As
Correct word choice
Screen
show examples
screen
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time
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 should be treated as a privilege.
Submitted by dinarabdrasheva on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that the introduction clearly presents the writer's opinion on the given topic and provides a roadmap for the subsequent discussion. The conclusion should summarize the main points and restate the writer's opinion.
task achievement
The essay needs to fully address the task by discussing the pros and cons of children spending time on TV and video games. Ensure that each paragraph supports the main points and provides relevant examples and explanations.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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