IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Nowadays children watch a lot of TV and play video games. However some people think that these activities are not good for a child's mental health. To what extend do you agree and disagree?

#children #tv #video #games #people #activities #child #health
It is obvious that technology has taken a predominant role in society and its dominance over the entertainment industry is undeniable. Some intellectuals opine that the exorbitant exploitations of TVs and video
games
 have the potential to sabotage the adolescent's psychological capabilities. From my perspective, I agree with the aforementioned opinion and my supporting arguments will be given
further
.
To begin
, some offensive
games
 and
Tv
Correct your spelling
TV
show examples
 programs could result in children becoming more short-tempered and less
socialise
Wrong verb form
socialising
show examples
, resulting in the degradation of mental stability. Many
videogames
Correct your spelling
video games
show examples
 create certain virtual tasks
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
which players have to accomplish and failing to complete said task could lead to them being in a state of depression and rage.
Moreover
, the competitive aspect of many video
games
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 often really high and losing those
games
 has the potential to cause an outburst of anger.
Furthermore
, being addicted to TV and video
games
 is a path to a more sedentary lifestyle, which
result
Correct subject-verb agreement
results
show examples
 in them being less physically active.
As a result
, multiple health issues could be at play like obesity and might obstruct their all-around development.
In addition
, with the rise of professional esports, many young adults have the delusion that they could make it on the pro scene.
Hence
 a decrease in attention to other essential aspects of life like education is ignored,
therefore
 affecting their future significantly. In conclusion, the miss utilization of technology could lead to a degradation in both mental and physical health. Parents and teachers should play a role in educating
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
youngsters,
guiding
Correct word choice
and guiding
show examples
 them to avoid the harmful effects of addiction.
Submitted by vietnn05 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
The essay addresses the prompt and provides relevant examples to support the argument. However, there are areas that need improvement in order to fully address the task.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is somewhat clear, but there are instances of illogical progression in the development of ideas. The introduction and conclusion are present, but they need to be more clearly connected to the main body of the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: