IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information, such as their hobbies and interests, and whether they are married or single. Some people say that this information may be relevant and useful. Others disagree. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion

#employers #people #jobs #information #hobbies #interests
Since I am
applying
Add the preposition
applying for
show examples
 to the Development-Related Postgraduate Courses (EPOS)
program
, I have looked for one within the
energy
 sector, the area where I started my career. The renewable
energy
 industry fascinated me for two reasons,
firstly
Correct article usage
The firstly
show examples
 is the fact to contribute to a sustainable world. And
secondly
, the potential growth to be explored in Brazil. The three top
course
Change to a plural noun
courses
show examples
 that I have identified with my study purpose and professional goals are: 1.Postgraduate Programme Renewable
Energy
 – PPRE Universität
Oldenburg
 2.Renewable
Energy
Management
 (REM) Technische Hochschule Köln 3.Master of Engineering in “
Energy
 and Environmental
Management
 in Developing Countries” (
formely
Correct your spelling
formerly
former
 SESAM) Europa-Universität Flensburg I have chosen REM at TH Köln as my first choice. I am very excited
over
Change preposition
about
show examples
 the
program
 structure
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because
emphasize
Correct subject-verb agreement
emphasizes
show examples
management
 and leadership skills. The modules are well divided between theory, practice and of
course
, the thesis. I believe that
such
 a diverse
program
 will result in an interesting combination that can provide interdisciplinary experiences and
engages
Correct subject-verb agreement
engage
show examples
 an international atmosphere.
Moreover
, I have had the chance to visit Köln a few times during my exchange
program
 year, and I would be happy to live there
due to
 the welcoming environment and possibilities offered. My second selection, I would be glad to join the PPRE at
Oldenburg
. I first heard about that
program
 as a recommendation from friends from
energy
Correct article usage
the energy
show examples
 field who have studied at
Oldenburg
University
 and had strongly recommended it as a
course
 to learn deeply the concepts and engineering behind renewable
energy
. The
program
 provides not only professional opportunities
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
 encourages a research path.
Additionally
,
Oldenburg
 is a nice city to live and I could take advantage of my contacts located there to support and integrate me into the community. As the third option, I have selected SESAM at Flensburg
University
. The
course
 presents strong fundaments of important principles
as
Correct quantifier usage
such as
show examples
 economics, project
management
 and engineering. I have concluded an MBA in Project
Management
 and I am passionate about the theme, so I am convinced that the
program
 shapes a complete professional. The
University
 offers the possibility of
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
field research abroad, which is an amazing opportunity to apply the gained knowledge into practice.
Besides
 that, I would consider living in Flensburg, the city
has
Correct pronoun usage
that has
show examples
 an active international community, because of the location by the border and
also
 the foreign students who looked after an acknowledged
university
.
Furthermore
, I would like to reinforce that I would be equally grateful to be granted
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a scholarship to any of my selected courses. I am sure that all options are outstanding institutions just by being part of the Development-Related Postgraduate Courses (EPOS)
program
.
Submitted by bele_sales on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • job application
  • personal information
  • hobbies and interests
  • marital status
  • relevant
  • useful
  • privacy
  • assessing candidates
  • qualifications
  • experience
What to do next:
Look at other essays: