IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information, such as their hobbies and interests, and whether they are married or single. Some people say that this information may be relevant and useful. Others disagree. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#employers #people #jobs #information #hobbies #interests
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It has been seen that
personal
Correct article usage
the personal
show examples
information
Use synonyms
 of a
person
Use synonyms
 applying for a job is being asked by employers. It is opined by some people that
this
Linking Words
information
Use synonyms
 can be relevant and useful,
however
Linking Words
, others do not agree with
this
Linking Words
.
Following
Correct article usage
The following
show examples
 paragraphs will provide
merits
Correct article usage
the merits
show examples
 and demerits of
this
Linking Words
information
Use synonyms
. From my perspective, limited personal data should be collected. To commence with, collecting data
such
Linking Words
 as
Use synonyms
person's
Correct article usage
a person's
show examples
hobbies
Use synonyms
, interests, marital status will help the organisation to make and implement new policies. It has been often observed that organisation do not value their employees by implementing a policy
which
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
 is of no use to
majority
Add an article
the majority
show examples
 of the staff. By asking
personal
Change preposition
for personal
show examples
information
Use synonyms
,
Add an article
the employer
an employer
show examples
employer
Fix the agreement mistake
employers
show examples
 can make
policy
Fix the agreement mistake
policies
show examples
which
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
 will be beneficial for
majority
Add an article
the majority
a majority
show examples
 of the staff.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, it helps
Add an article
the employer
an employer
show examples
employer
Fix the agreement mistake
employers
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 to judge the
person
Use synonyms
 evaluating
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
his
her
show examples
hobbies
Use synonyms
 and interests and
also
Linking Words
, it will help to know that
person
Use synonyms
 is truth or lie. The higher management has often
find
Change the verb form
found
show examples
 it difficult to judge a
person
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
Linking Words
first
Change the article
the first
show examples
 meet. Asking personal
information
Use synonyms
 provides the
person
Use synonyms
's insights,
for instance
Linking Words
,
hobbies
Use synonyms
 of a
person
Use synonyms
 will guide employers that
person
Use synonyms
 is utilising leisure time in a constructive way or not.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, taking personal
information
Use synonyms
 can be discriminatory from the perspective of
prospective
Add an article
a prospective
the prospective
show examples
employee
Fix the agreement mistake
employees
show examples
. A
person
Use synonyms
 should be judged on the basis of academic qualifications, ethics, and work experience irrespective of the fact that
person
Use synonyms
 is married or single. Mostly females feel offended by providing
this
Linking Words
information
Use synonyms
 as it has been found that employers need married
person
Use synonyms
 as
Use synonyms
person
Add an article
a person
the person
show examples
 will stay in long run and will not ask for holidays at the time of
person
Use synonyms
's wedding.
In addition
Linking Words
 to that, there is no use
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 asking
a
Change preposition
about a
show examples
person
Use synonyms
's
hobbies
Use synonyms
 as it will not provide any useful
information
Use synonyms
 to management. In a nutshell, asking for personal
information
Use synonyms
 can be relevant only if limited
information
Use synonyms
 is asked that can help the organisation to form a decision
which
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
 can be fruitful for
for
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
both the employer and employee. Having said that,
this
Linking Words
information
Use synonyms
 should not be disclosed to
Add an article
an outsider
the outsider
show examples
outsider
Fix the agreement mistake
outsiders
show examples
.
Submitted by Manvir kaur bhatti on

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Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • job application
  • personal information
  • hobbies and interests
  • marital status
  • relevant
  • useful
  • privacy
  • assessing candidates
  • qualifications
  • experience
What to do next:
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