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Writing Samples
Band 4

Nowadays both men and women spend a lot of money on beauty care. This was not so in the past. What may be the root cause of this behaviour? Discuss the reasons and possible results

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In
this
Linking Words
 contemporary era, people are going vast behind artificial
beauty
Use synonyms
 and are forgetting about natural
beauty
Use synonyms
. Everybody is spending many expenses on
beauty
Use synonyms
 products or
beauty
Use synonyms
 care centres. It has many causes and consequences that I will discuss in the following paragraphs. Everything which is come new and may advance has some reasons so
beauty
Use synonyms
 care has been powerful these days because of some reasons. First and foremost, movies and ads are the major sources to influence the normal masses as when we watch them
then
Linking Words
 definitely youngster wants to try their styles. They prefer to look like actors and actresses like a role model.
Moreover
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, when we go somewhere
such
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 as
functions
Change preposition
for functions
show examples
, marriage or birthday parties and trips with our friends, we always try to look gorgeous and handsome as compared to other
persons
Replace the word
people
show examples
 so that everybody praises their
beauty
Use synonyms
 and they
could
Wrong verb form
can
show examples
 be attracted to individuals. Here, I want to dispute the bad results of skin treatment.
Firstly
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, juveniles spend a lot of money on these things
while
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 it is just a
wastage
Replace the word
waste
show examples
 of money because skincare products are very expensive.
Secondly
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, it damages the natural
beauty
Use synonyms
 of men and women that's why they always have to
use
Use synonyms
 makeup to go outside which is not good for health as every product has been made with chemicals.
For instance
Linking Words
, my cousin has never used these kinds of
product
Fix the agreement mistake
products
show examples
,
however
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,
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 her marriage she has to
Use synonyms
use
Correct pronoun usage
use them
show examples
.
As a consequence
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, after her
marriage
Add a comma
marriage,
show examples
 she lost even the
last
Linking Words
 layer of skin on her face and she has to
concern
Wrong verb form
be concerned
show examples
 with the doctor and at least
around
Change preposition
for around
show examples
 3 ,years she has to take for the
faces
Change noun form
face's
show examples
 recovery. In conclusion, it is commonly understood that it has been a fashion these days still it is the duty of authorities and
beauty
Use synonyms
 product companies to decrease the
use
Use synonyms
 of chemicals which are very harmful,
as well
Linking Words
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
humans should try to
use
Use synonyms
 natural products for their face so that they can save money as well.

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coherence cohesion
The essay lacks a clear structure and organization. Ideas are not presented in a logical order, and there is a lack of coherence between paragraphs. Additionally, the introduction and conclusion are underdeveloped, and fail to effectively frame the essay.
task achievement
The essay partially addresses the task, but does not provide a comprehensive response. The ideas are not clearly developed, and the discussion on the root cause of beauty care expenditure is limited. The essay does provide some relevant examples, but they are not well-integrated into the overall argument.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • media influence
  • idealized beauty standards
  • disposable income
  • economic prosperity
  • technological advancements
  • beauty products and services
  • cultural shifts
  • social contexts
  • personal health and wellness
  • self-care routines
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