IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Young people often copy the behaviour of famous people, so celebrities should only be allowed to advertise healthy food or drink and should not encourage unhealthy habits such as smoking. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #copy #behaviour #celebrities #food #drink #habits
In every generation, Youth always have had
heroes
, and they wanted to imitate their
heroes
. These days the
heroes
 are called celebrities.
the
Capitalize word
The
show examples
 celebrities' conduct plays a crucial role in young's life. They influence
people
 incredibly, especially teens. Because of
this
, some crowd believe that their performance must be limited. Particularly
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 advertising the unhealthy product. From my point of view,
although
 young society can be influenced easily by them, it is unfair to ask them to change their lifestyle or
we
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
make decisions on their behalf.
Firstly
,
star
Fix the agreement mistake
stars
show examples
 make
public
Correct article usage
the public
show examples
 happy, and
people
 have fun when following their news. They show
people
 the luxurious lives that
people
 like to have, so they help
people
 release their tension and allow
people
 to get rid of bad news.
besides
, teenagers need to find their identification so when they copy their
heroes
 their self-confidence increases and self-confidence allows them to find themself healthy.
for example
, when teenagers dress up like their popular celebrity other
people
 give them positive attention and
to be
Verb problem
apply
show examples
accepted
Wrong verb form
accept
show examples
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their group of friends
so
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
it
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 helps them find themself valuable
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 plays an important key
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the teen's identity.
secondly
, it is the parents' responsibility to teach their children some
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills such
show examples
 as
decision making
Add a hyphen
decision-making
show examples
 and critical thinking about
others
Change noun form
others'
other's
show examples
 behaviour. if they would believe in their ability and knowledge about their power in their life they wouldn't need to be controlled by society or others. In conclusion,
although
 celebrities must be aware of their role in society, it is not reasonable to ask them to change their lifestyle. but we can train our teenagers
about taking
Change preposition
to take
show examples
 responsibility for their life
choice
Fix the agreement mistake
choices
show examples
.
Submitted by azadehzabihi8 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present, but the essay lacks logical structure. The ideas and examples are not well-connected and lack coherence.
task achievement
The response is complete, but it could be more comprehensive. The ideas are relevant, but the essay lacks clear examples to support them.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • endorsement
  • influence
  • lifestyle
  • consciousness
  • social responsibility
  • regulation
  • liberty
  • supply and demand
  • unintended consequences
  • critical thinking
  • brand image
  • nutrition
  • public figure
  • health advocacy
  • restrictions
  • moderation
  • consumer behavior
  • market forces
  • ethical advertising
  • personal brand
What to do next:
Look at other essays: